A New Phase of Grief

I've been thinking a lot lately about the seasons of my grief and how I've mourned different things at different times since Kinley died. I recently heard about another grieving Mommy who's little boy would be 5 this year. It's been a really hard year for her. For some reason, 5 seems different. He'd be getting ready to go to school, he'd be playing t-ball, he'd be a big brother, he'd be learning to ride a bike, he'd be doing all the things that 5-yr old boys do. The grieving seems to never end, it changes, it gets easier, but it never ends!

At first, I really mourned not being pregnant. When I delivered Kinley I was 29 weeks pregnant, so I felt like I should still be pregnant for the next 11 weeks. I really grieved the fact that I wasn't. It was difficult to see pregnant women, I found myself reaching down to touch my belly, and I sometimes even felt "phantom" movement as if I was still pregnant.

As my due date rolled around and approached I really grieved not having my baby (of course I have been grieving that the whole time!) But this was a grief specific to giving birth and having a brand new baby. It hurt so deeply to see tiny little newborns dressed in their Christmas dresses, to attend baby dedications, to hear a baby cry.

A new stage of mourning came when all of the babies who were due around the same time as Kinley started walking. That may sound strange, but it really hit me hard to see them toddling around and think "my baby would be walking". She would have been entering the toddler stage, trying to talk, learning to walk, changing, and growing.

I've recently been feeling a much different sense of loss. Several of the mommies that had babies around when I had Kinley have now had other babies. Their babies are the big sisters or big brothers now. I see them interacting with their new siblings and I can't help but feel an aching in my heart. Not only am I mourning the fact that I'll never get to see Kinley be the "big sis", I'm also mourning the fact that I'm still not even pregnant with the little sibling.

It's so hard not to question God, not to wonder what it is that He's doing in my life, not to give in to feeling defeated and hopeless. It's hard not to feel sorry for myself. It's hard not to give in to the urge to crumble into a ball on the floor and cry. (Yes, I still feel like doing that sometimes!)

It's times like tonight that I cling to the Word of God. I put my hope in His promises, and I cry myself to sleep knowing that He has promised good to me!

He's working ALL things for my good, even the grief...

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

He's comforting me and using me to comfort others...

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God." 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

He's still my HOPE...

"Against all hope, Abraham, in hope, believed and so became the father of many nations, just as it had been said to him, 'So shall your offspring be.'" ... "Yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, being fully persuaded that God had power to do what he had promised." Romans 4:18,20

In hope, I wait upon Him...

"I wait for the Lord, my whole being waits, and in his word I put my hope." Psalm 130:5

Father's Day

I tried to talk Jacob into writing this Father's Day post from his perspective, but I didn't give him enough time to process it. Maybe next year! For now, you get a Father's Day post taken from the perspective of the grieving Mommy.

Father's Day...another day to grieve. How sad is it that that's what it has become? We celebrate our Dads, we spend time with our families, we paste on smiles to get through the day, but underneath it all is a raw ache.

I hate that while other Daddy's are tucking their babies into bed for the night, laying their hand gently on their little tummies and saying their bedtime prayers, even shedding a few tears at realizing how blessed they are, my husband is laying his hand gently on the top of a headstone, saying a prayer over the gravesite of our daughter, shedding tears of pain and ache.

I hate that when the pastor asks all the Dad's to stand during service, my husband has to hesitate, think about it, and ultimately decide it's easier NOT to.

I hate it that I have to leave service in tears, stand outside for a few minutes to try to calm myself and pull it back together, and return to service hoping to just "make it through".

I hate it that we go to bed at night feeling completely exhausted. Not because we've played hard with our kids all day, but because we've spent the day trying desperately to hold in our true feelings. Last night, my muscles literally ached when I laid down in bed. I had done my best to hold it together for the day, but I was totally spent physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

I hate it that the entire day is filled with an overwhelming sense of guilt for me. Yes, guilt. I know that seems crazy, but the fact that Jacob doesn't have children is ultimately because of me. He's not the one with fertility issues, I am. I don't want to feel guilty, but on day's like Father's Day, I can't help but look at him and think "If it weren't for me, he'd have kids by now."

I hate it that each Father's Day I grasp desperately, trying to hold on to the thread of hope that maybe next year will be different. I especially hate it that many times the fear that next year will be exactly the same drowns out that hope.

I hate it that I'm sitting in front of this computer again, pouring out my heart, with tears running down my face. I hate it that many of you will read this blog post and know exactly how I feel!

I hate it that we live in a fallen world, where even holidays are often clouded by hurt. I know that we're not the only people hurting on Father's Day. There are many people who just had their first Father's Day without their Dad, many that have had too many without their Dad to even count, many children who don't have a Dad to celebrate, many Dads who don't get to celebrate with their kids.

So what is it exactly that I DON'T hate? ...

I love that I have the hope that one day Jacob will spend everyday celebrating being Kinley's Daddy. I love that for all of eternity our days will be overwhelming filled with joy and love and that no sin, no pain, no fear will cloud out that joy. I love that I have a relationship with Christ that gives me that hope!!

Finding My Place

This is one of the posts where I'm going to tread lightly and hope I don't offend anyone. It is in no way meant to make anyone feel bad, it's just how I have been feeling since we got back.

As you know, Jacob and I left Lafayette and moved to Knoxville a year ago. During our year away, I was back visiting several times and had kept in touch with most of my friends in some fashion. We are super excited to be back and were ready to dive right back into to our church, our friendships, our life!

Something weird happens when you're gone for such a short amount of time. It almost feels like we didn't leave, and like life here should have just paused or maybe even gone on exactly "as we knew it". You return thinking that everything will be the same. And it's not! It feels like everything has changed!

These first few weeks have been great, but I also find myself feeling like I'm struggling to find my "place" again. This is especially true at church. We were a part of several ministries, we knew pretty much everyone, and we had a place. Upon returning, ministries have changed, new people have come, and I'm not sure where my place is. I'm not saying these changes are bad, they're just changes that I wasn't here for. Everyone else adjusted gradually over the last year and I came back to a lot of adjustment!

I don't really have a "full-circle way" of wrapping this post up with a pretty bow on top. It almost feels incomplete, but that's really all I have to say about it! I don't want it to sound like I'm complaining. It's not a complaint, it's really just where I am today. I'll find my place, I'll adjust, and I'll be happy to do it!

It's good to be home!

Why am I happy to be home....let me count the reasons! (Not necessarily in order of importance!)

1. MY GIRLS!

As I'm sure you've all realized by now, my nieces are like my own kids. To say we are close would be the understatement of the century! I really can't find words to explain our relationship, but if you know me, you know it's really beyond normal to be so close to someone else's kids. (In a good way!) I was frightened that because we had moved away I would never have the relationship with Bristol that I've gotten to have with Brenna. I cried many tears thinking that she wouldn't "know" me and would cry when she was left with me for any period of time. My heart melts every time I come in and she gives me that giant dimpled grin!!

We took Brenna to see "Judy Moody" today, and they seem to have the same fashion sense! :)

It just doesn't get much cuter than this!!!

2. Our Family!

I love family time, and there's nothing quite as sweet as having a beautiful, strong, fun relationship with your family. I've always been super close with my family, not just my Mom and Dad, but grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, great-aunts, and on and on. I've already gotten in some great family time and expect much more! And not to leave out Jacob's family, we're just as close with them and so excited to be back "amongst them"! Last Wed. night as Sarah and Adam sat in our living room talking and laughing WAY too late into the night, I had a moment of pause and thought to myself "This is exactly as it should be!" I nearly cried!

My beautiful cousin Jessica graduated high school, but her brother Seth passed her up in height!

I've been able to visit and get some snuggle time with my cousin Shayla's little sweet pea, Lynix!

We spent the day at my cousin Morgan's final dance recital...and she was as stunning as ever!

I would never leave out Lynix's big brother and one of my favorite little guys in the whole world, handsome little Laban!

This has become one of my favorite pictures! By the time Makenna finally got to hold Lynix, she was SO over the whole day!

The girls of my family!

3. Our Friends!

I've been so excited already to spend time with some of our closest friends. We've had dinner with some, I've had lunch with several, and spent days just hanging out at home with others. We realize now how beyond blessed we are to have so many amazing, Christian, fun, supportive friends!!! Thank you Josh & Jessie, Destiny, Tami, Julie, and the entire Wednesday night crew for already spending time welcoming us back home!

I have no pictures with my friends! :( But I do have this one of my friend Destiny's little boy hanging out at my apartment with my nieces so that Momma and Daddy could be with the new babies!

4. Our Church!

I'm planning to post sometime in the next couple of days about the adjustment that I've had in moving back into the church after a year, but in general, let me just say that we are thrilled to be back in our church! It just feels "right"! I didn't realize how much I like having so many people who know us and would ask how we are doing with the move, infertility, and even the loss of Kinley. The first Sunday morning back in service, as my brother-in-law Adam led worship, I just let my eyes wander through the church and soaked in the feeling of being back. My eyes stopped on SO many that we trust to pray with us, mentor us, and love us!

It's good to be back!

Still to come are posts on...

What happens when you give Bristol a Twinkie!

The fun that we had in Tennessee with Jacob's family!

My adjustment to fitting back into our church.

The Absent Blogger

I've been MIA for SO long!!! This is a quick catch-up post on life as we know it...

1. Where in the world are Jacob and Erica?
We're now back in Indiana! Yay! The move happened so quickly and I've been totally overwhelmed with the transition, which is why I haven't blogged lately. Jacob found out about a possible job back in Lafayette that he could be transferred to and within a few weeks, we were here! We're currently in temporary housing in a furnished apartment and it took until now to get our internet working, which is the second reason I haven't blogged. We're house hunting and planning to buy a house in the next few months. In the meantime, all of our "stuff" is in storage.

2. Did I "de-friend" you on facebook?
NO! I closed my facebook for a little while. It was nothing personal against anyone, I just needed a break. There was so very much going on in my life that I just didn't want to complicate it more. God had been dealing with me for awhile on letting go of facebook for a bit to re-group and re-focus. Don't worry, I'll be back as soon as I feel released to come back!

3. How is Jacob's new job?
Wonderful!! He's happy, I'm happy, life is good! :)

4. What are we doing about our fertility process?
We're kind of on hold for now. I'm taking some low-dose medicine and we're trying on our own, but not having any major or invasive treatments. As soon as we're settled in a house we'll see a fertility specialist here and also start the adoption process. I actually got pregnant on Tamoxifen in March and had a very early miscarriage, so I'm hopeful that despite all odds and all medical reasoning, I CAN get pregnant during this "wait" time! Keep praying!!! God is good!

5. WHAT?! You miscarried?
Yes I did, while we were in Florida. I hadn't mentioned it yet because it all happened very quickly and I was trying not to focus on it too much. I had just gotten a positive test when I started spotting and then really cramping and bleeding. I didn't see a doctor at the time, I was only about 5 weeks pregnant and was on vacation. After I got home, I saw my doctor to follow-up. It was heartbreaking on one level and also gave me some hope that there's still a chance for us to have biological children.

6. Are you going back to teaching?
At this point, I'm not planning to return. I don't want to work full-time at this time and am excited to be able to keep my nieces a couple days a week. If a part-time teaching position fell into my lap, I would definitely be interested, but I'm not actively seeking a position. I'm planning to start doing a little bit of in-home childcare starting once we have a house.

7. What's new in our life?
Well first and most exciting....Jacob and I are going to be "Uncle Jay-Jay" and "Aunt Etty" again!!! We'll be getting a new niece or nephew on the Crum side of the family this winter. Sarah and Adam are expecting and are due in December. We can't wait to add another little one to the family!

Next and also super exciting, my good friend and fellow blogger just had her twins! They are beyond precious and I'm head-over-heels in love with them both already. I got to meet them the other day and while they're still in NICU and could use your prayers as they grow bigger and stronger, they have no major health problems and are just perfect! Here they are...

You can follow their progress and read Destiny's story at her blog, just click here!

My next piece of exciting news....my sweet niece Bristol is on the move! She's crawling all over the place and is so much fun right now! I'm so happy to be home and have so much time to spend with both her and Brenna. Brenna is also very excited to have us home!

Stay tuned in the next couple days for a post about our last trip to Tennessee with the Crum family....it was great fun!!!