Taking Another Step

Sorry it's been awhile since I've given an update on my own fertility "journey". I honestly have been struggling with a lot of depression and anxiety about it and I just didn't want to talk about it. For some reason, sometimes the fear of it never working and the hurt of nothing working up to this point just completely consume me. That happens to be much worse during the holidays.

Last month we decided that we would take the month off and begin to consider the possibility of doing an IVF cycle in the spring. However, when I called the doctor's office and spoke to the nurse she said that the doctor was "reasonably confident" that I would get pregnant with an IUI and would do one at 1/2 price. Being the bargain shopper that I am, I just couldn't pass up half-price! :)

I took Tamoxifen again for the second month in a row. The first month, I did not do well with the medicine...I felt awful, had headaches, felt nauseous, it was just bad! But the second month went much more smoothly. I felt a lot better and it really wasn't too difficult of a month. Because I had spent quite a bit of time in Indiana due to my Grandpa passing away and Jacob working out of the Lafayette plant for a week, I was a little nervous that we wouldn't be back in Tennessee in time for the IUI. Even in the midst of infertility, though, I've always had a very reliable cycle! I ALWAYS have a positive ovulation test on day 14 and ovulate on day 15. Well....wouldn't you know, I ovulated 2 days early! So, we missed the IUI because we were still in Indiana!

For those of you who don't know anything about endometriosis, one of the reasons that some doctors believe that an IUI is helpful in women with infertility caused by endometriosis is that endometriosis can cause an increased amount of "macrophages". Basically, macrophages attack foreign material in your body. The increased macrophages are due to the constant presence of disease in the uterus. Basically, your body is always on attack-mode. Unfortunately, that can mean that the macrophages also attack sperm. Basically, the IUI puts the sperm closer to where it needs to be! (Now I'm not a doctor, so please don't hold me to any of this or quote me as an expert!!!) Basically, the IUI is a good thing for us to have each month, but we missed out this past month!

So, today we saw the doctor again. There were a lot of factors to discuss and I won't bore you with everything, but here were the bullet points from the appointment....

- The doctor does NOT feel like I'm going to need an IVF to get pregnant, at least at this point. He's pretty confident that the surgery went well enough that our chances are looking up. Since the surgery, we've only had one IUI, so it makes sense to still be confident in the possibility of it working.

- My egg reserve test did show a low egg reserve, which is still a concern in the back of our minds. Basically it means that I won't "stimulate" (produce as many eggs) as other women my age, no matter what treatment we do. The bad news is that there is also some evidence that women with a low reserve also have lower quality eggs, which makes our chances of getting pregnant lower. If we need to go to an IVF cycle, we will probably have difficulty getting the number of follicles that most fertility patients get. It's likely that we would not have eggs to freeze and use at another time. So, the $15,000 would really be for ONE try!

- We decided that the best option for us at this point is to move on from the tamoxifen to the injectable medications. This time we'll be starting with a higher dose of medication from the beginning in hopes of getting more follicles (eggs). I'll also be adding another medication in addition to the HMG. I'll take injections of Lupron to prevent me from ovulating on my own. This will allow us to stimulate for longer without the fear of me ovulating before it's time. Using the injectables in this way will also give us a good idea of how I would stimulate for IVF if that becomes necessary.

Originally, we decided to sit out my next cycle and start the injectables toward the end of January. Although the cost of an injectable cycle with an IUI is much cheaper than IVF, it's still a big cost for us! Because of the dose of medicine I need, it can easily cost anywhere from $1,500-2,000. Unfortunately, we don't have that as "extra" in our budget! We knew we'd need the next four weeks to save up some to get ready for the cost. However, we have a wonderful couple in our lives who have said they will serve as our financial backers! They're willing to loan us the money in order for us to be able to go ahead with the injections as soon as possible! Thank you Jesus for our amazing family!!!! It's not fun to borrow money, but we're just very thankful for the opportunity to continue trying to start our family!

So....all that said, I should be ready to start injections by early next week. By Monday or Tuesday, Jacob will be back to injecting medicine in my back-side nightly, this time with an added injection in my belly as well! Yipee! :) Please pray for us over the next several weeks as we take yet another step forward in our "journey"! As our doctor said today "only God knows what will work and when"!

****Added Correction.....because of the timing and with Christmas and New Year's, it's going to work best for me to take a birth control pill for a week or so and begin the injections after the first of the year. Basically, we're hitting "pause" for about a week!

Finding Faith...

I wanted to share a blog post with you that really touched my heart. A friend of mine from college had a daughter that was stillborn just a few months after I had Kinley. We had both experienced infertility and both become pregnant only to lose our child. Katie recently gave birth to her second child, a son. Her newest blog post deals with facing Bristol's due date and Brody's birth. She's sharing from a perspective that I can't share from yet. Please take a minute to click over and read her blog entry, it's a beautiful glimpse into her emotions.

Finding Faith - Grand Prize

Childless During the Holidays

***Added Preface: I did not write this post because anyone has offended me personally. I'm not thinking of any particular circumstances and don't harbor any ill feelings toward anyone! Obviously, some people have said things to me in the past couple of years that have been hurtful, but I understand that they weren't trying to hurt me. People, in general, are just trying to relate to you and just looking for the right words to say. I wrote this post to give you some insight to how some particular comments might be taken, not as a jab at anyone for anything they've said or done in the past.***

I'm writing this post for the second time since it somehow got deleted by blogger last time! :(

This is a post I've been putting off for awhile. I feel like it's good information and could be useful for people, but I also know I'm treading on difficult waters. I'm always leery of giving advice on how to deal with women who are going through things like infertility and infant loss because every person deals so differently. I don't want it to sound like every person feels the same, is offended or hurt by the same things, or acts the same way. Every woman is different! Please keep that in mind while reading this!

The holidays are a fun-filled, busy, party-packed time! Ideally the holidays are joyful and jolly, but we know the reality is that the holidays can also be painful. When you're in the midst of infertility and your life is filled with month after month of "trying", the holidays are a reminder that you STILL don't have a baby in your arms. Every year you think, "maybe next year, I'll have a baby to bring to Christmas", and every year it hits hard when you don't.

I wanted to give a little advice for those of you who have women in your family or as close friends who may be experiencing the pain of infertility this Christmas. I don't want to sound harsh. I just want to be helpful. Here are some tips for handling holiday conversation...

1. Be cautious about complaining incessantly about your pregnancy or you child. Obviously we know that sometimes pregnancy is uncomfortable and that sometimes children can be difficult. There are times when your frustration is going to come out in conversation, that's natural. Be careful, though, of dominating conversation with your complaints. It's hurtful and it's hard to suppress the urge to say "I'd give anything to be nauseous or exhausted from pregnancy. I'd give anything to have an infant that won't sleep through the night. I'd give the world to have too many gifts from Santa to buy and not enough time to buy them." Just keep this in mind.

2. Don't tell us about your "feeling" about this month. What I mean is, when you've been trying to get pregnant for a long time, everyone and their mother has a "feeling" about whether or not this is the month for you. Everyone wants to chime in that they really feel like you're pregnant this month or that they feel like you'll definitely be pregnant in February, by Mother's Day, etc. I know that you're trying to give a little ray of hope, but it can be very difficult to navigate your own "feelings" without adding in everyone else's.

3. Which brings me to the next point....don't ask us how we're "feeling" about this month either. When we're pregnant and ready to tell you, we will be happy to fill you in. The holidays just aren't a great time to bring up whether or not we "feel" pregnant.

4. Don't say that you understand if you haven't experienced it. For some reason, people always want to say they understand how you feel. This can be very annoying if that person has never actually dealt with what you're dealing with. If you haven't experienced infertility, you probably don't fully understand. Familiarize yourself with the phrase "I can't even imagine". It's much more supportive and sensitive.

5. If you are in the club of women who have been there and really do understand, but now you have a baby of your own, don't be offended if we don't want to talk to you about it. This topic came up with one of my good friends recently. Although I know that the feelings of disappointment and hurt are probably still very real for you, some women feel like once you've had a baby, you're out of the "club". Some women have a hard time hearing advice from you because in the back of their mind they're thinking "yeah, well, you have a baby now and I still don't!" Personally, I've never felt this way. I actually see these women as hope for my future!

6. Be attentive and listen! Notice if your friend is quiet or withdrawn. Pay attention to the fact that she's 'just not herself'. Take a minute to let her know you notice. A quick hug will work wonders.

7. Be sensitive, but don't walk on egg shells. Don't stop talking about kids when we walk into the room. Just be empathetic and compassionate. A hug can go a long way...no words needed.

8. Finally, and most importantly, know the person!! Everyone is different. Some women are private and some are open and find talking about it therapeutic. If she keeps mentioning it, and you change the subject because it makes you uncomfortable, she probably needs someone to talk to. Allow yourself to be uncomfortable for a minute and let her talk! If you ask questions and her answers are brief and then she changes the subject, she doesn't want to talk. Let it go! If we start to get emotional and walk away, just give us some space for a minute. It will make the holidays much jollier!

I hope someone finds this helpful and no one finds it offensive. If you're a woman who is currently or has previously dealt with infertility, please feel free to comment and add your own suggestions. May God richly bless you this holiday season!

My 'Funny Papaw'

When I was little, I was blessed to have many grandparents and great-grandparents who were all a part of my life. All those grandmas and grandpas can get confusing though! When I was about two, my Mom told me that we were going to visit Papaw. Not sure which Papaw it was, I said, "You mean that Funny Papaw?" She figured out that I was referring to my Papaw Bowling. I have no idea why I called him funny, but the name stuck. From that day forward, he was Funny Papaw.

My Funny Papaw was indeed funny! He made us laugh often, sometimes because he was trying to, but many times when he wasn't trying to at all! Even in the last several weeks when he was so very sick, he brought a smile to my face each time I visited. On Sunday evening, four of his oldest grandkids stood around his hospital bed and remembered the time he fell into the Christmas tree when his chair tipped over. He denied that he remembered it happening, but I think he really did remember and didn't want to admit it! I also remember the time that he thought he was very funny calling me an 'old maid' because my younger sister was married and I wasn't. Of course, I didn't find him very funny that time, I was only 22!!

The other thing that stands out in my mind about Funny Papaw is that he always told me how pretty I am. I know that all grandpas think their granddaughters are pretty, and he probably said it to every one of his many granddaughters, but it still meant a lot to me. In the past four or five years, I never once saw him that he didn't say "You get prettier every time I see you!" He was funny, but he was also kind and loving.

Last Sunday when I visited him in the ICU at the hospital, he said it to me again. "You're so pretty, you get prettier every day." My heart melted and I joked with him that no one else ever says that to me. (By the way, someone should really take over the duty of maintaining my self-confidence!) I started to cry and he consoled me saying "Oh sweetie, God will get us through this." I told him I hated seeing him so sick and he said he knew that, but God had blessed us so much. Then I told him that I was a little jealous because he was probably going to get to heaven before me and get to hold my baby girl before I would. He said "I'll love on her, oh, I love her." He repeated it over and over, and I believe he meant it. I'm so glad I got those moments with him. Later that evening, he repeated in his sleep, "I've gotta find that baby, I've gotta find that baby." I know he meant Kinley. Over the next few days he became more confused and less alert. On Thursday afternoon, he passed into eternity surrounded by his wife, all of his sons, and many of his grandkids.

I had a vision as he was struggling for his last breaths of my sweet Kinley running through the fields of heaven saying "Hold on Grandpa, Jesus promised I could be at the gate when you get there....I'm coming!!" As he passed away, my cousin turned to me and said "He's holding your baby." What a precious thought that was to me. I could see her in that moment, blonde curls bouncing as she ran up and jumped into his arms. He was whole and healthy and smiling the biggest smile I've ever seen. As he swung Kinley around and laughed, she giggled and said "No wonder my Mama thought you were so funny!" He of course said to her, "You look like your Mommy, and you're so very pretty." Of course, I have no idea how it really happened, but I like to think something like this took place at heaven's gate.

I'll miss you so much my Funny Papaw. I love you and am so honored to be your granddaughter. I hope you know that you loved us well and you were very well loved!!

My Daddy and My Funny Papaw

Mamaw, Papaw, Funny Papaw, and Grandma Pat with Jacob and I on our wedding day

Thanksgiving Part 2

To complete my 25 days of thanksgiving, here are a few more things I'm thankful for...

1. I'm thankful for the Christian legacy that I'm a part of. I know it's a true blessing to have a family that's firmly rooted in faith! I'm very very thankful!

2. I'm thankful for my husband's job. I know I complain about being in Knoxville, but I really am thankful that he has a job that he loves. We waited and prayed for a long time. I know it's an answer to prayer!

3. I'm thankful for my pretty little home! I really do like our townhouse, it's the perfect size for us and is cozy and cute!

4. I'm thankful for a reliable car so I can travel home to see family and friends! And VERY thankful that I'm leaving tomorrow afternoon to see everyone!!!!

5. I'm very thankful for good friends who have walked through infertility and loss with us. I was blessed to have the support of women who had been through it too and I'm so very very thankful for them!

Very closely related to that...

6. I'm thankful for answered prayers....specifically, I'm thankful for healing from infertility. At our "home" church in Lafayette infertility seemed to be a common issue! There were FAR too many young women who could not have the children that they deeply desired! I'm so very thankful to have seen God answer many of these prayers the past couple years!!! I'm thankful for Cayden and the Peters' twins, I'm thankful for Ryann, Reese, and Regan, and I'm thankful for Peyton and Parker! They're each reminders of the faithfulness of God!

7. I'm thankful for plenty of food to eat. I never go hungry and always have all that I need!

8. I'm thankful for the alone time that moving to TN has given to Jacob and I. We've spent time together that I know we wouldn't have if we had been in Indiana.

9. I'm thankful for my DVR! I love my DVR! It's the greatest!

10. I'm thankful for my iPhone! More specifically, I'm thankful for the "Around Me" app because it's the only reason I find my way around Knoxville! :)

11. I'm thankful for the church families that have poured into our lives. Covington 1st Assembly provided such a wonderful and supportive atmosphere for me to grow up in. I still consider them my family! Lafayette 1st was the perfect place for Jacob and I to start our married life. We were ministered to in countless ways, found our best friends, were mentored by wonderful people, and grew in love with God and each other. And now Fellowship is becoming our home! We're so impressed with the ministries that we've been a part of and can't wait to dive in even deeper!

12. I'm thankful for the country that I live in and the freedoms that I enjoy because of it.

13. I'm thankful for facebook....silly, right? But I really am, I'm thankful that I have it as a tool to stay connected with people.

14. I'm thankful for the people that God puts in my path daily to reveal that He sees me and He's still working in my life!! Over the past two days, I've met three women who dealt with or are currently dealing with infertility and one who lost her twins to stillbirth. What a blessing to be able to talk to women who know and understand how I feel!

15. Finally, I'm thankful for those of you who have emailed me, commented on my blog, or sent me a facebook message. Thank you so much for your support and your prayers!! Thank you for taking a couple minutes to encourage me to keep serving God, keep blogging, keep sharing, and keep hoping! I'm thankful for you!!

Approaching Another 'Day'

Having a child that is stillborn before her due date means that I have two dates that I dread...first, we deal with her birthday, September 24th, then we deal with her due date, December 10th. I realize that a due date doesn't really mean much because babies rarely arrive on their exact due date. That's why it's really more the entire first part of December that's tough.

Last year, I was still very much in the shell-shocked stage. The due date was difficult, but life in general was difficult. I had bad days multiple times a week, so it wasn't that out of the ordinary to have another bad day! My life was just pretty bad!!

This year, on Kinley's birthday, I dealt with the fact that it had been a year. It hurt deeply that she had been gone for a full year. I mourned her and it was terrible. I planned the first anniversary thinking all the while that I should have been planning a first birthday. But, I also had in the back of my mind that I really shouldn't be planning a first birthday yet either.

Now, as we approach the time that we really would have been planning a first birthday party, I find a new pain creeping it's way into my heart.

Today I was working in the nursery at our church with a lady who brought her little boy in. He was toddling around, throwing a ball, and saying "ball" over and over. He was so cute and I instinctively asked how old he was. I knew as the answer was coming out of her mouth that I would regret it. She said "he'll be one in just a few weeks".

That was all it took....I could have estimated his age, so why did I even ask?! It felt like a quick sharp stabbing pain right in my heart. "My baby would be about to turn one too! She would no longer be a baby laying in our arms. She would be toddling around, saying words like 'ball'."

It caught me totally off-guard. I didn't cry, I just hurt. I hurt all the way through my heart!

And so it begins....I approach yet another 'day'. In a lot of ways, that's what my life has become in the last year and two months. I feel like I'm living from one tough day to the next. I survive one and then breathe a sigh of relief and look up to face another one.

I'm blessed to have an amazing family and awesome friends to walk this road with me. I'm even more blessed to have a God who not only sees the pain I'm feeling today, but knows the joy that's still to come. He knows every pain that I'll have from now until my last breathe, and He provides for me all that I need to not only survive, but thrive. He makes a way for me to hurt without giving up hope.

And ultimately I know that even if every day of this life is filled with hurt from morning until night, my eternity will be filled with joy! I don't believe that my life will be filled with pain. I believe He's promised good to me and that my heart will feel an unbelievable amount of joy in this lifetime. But, even if not, one day not too far away, I'll be in the presence of a loving God who will heal my heart completely and for all of time. I'll spend eternity with my daughter! That is so worth it to me!!

"He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away." Revelation 21:4

"They will enter Zion with singing; everlasting joy will crown their heads. Gladness and joy will overtake them, and sorrow and sighing will flee away" Isaiah 35:10

Ultrasound and IUI

Just to update everyone on where we are with our fertility "journey"...

I had an ultrasound on Wednesday that showed that this new medication had fixed the problem with my uterine lining. The lining was very good. However, I just have one good follicle, and it was a VERY good size. There aren't really any other smaller follicles on either side. Although most "normal" people get pregnant with one follicle, and it's completely possible, I still am just not responding well to ovulation induction. We will, however, still have an IUI this month (probably tomorrow morning).

In the bigger picture, the fact that I'm only having one follicle at a time is alarming to me because of the test on my egg supply a few months ago. I sort of went into panic-mode! I had hoped that the scar tissue had been most of the problem and that I would respond better to medication after the surgery, but that doesn't seem to be the case.

Jacob and I are considering our options for going forward with treatment and trying to decide how to balance the financial burden of IVF with the scary thought that our time to conceive may be limited. Please pray with us over the next several weeks that God would give us a clear direction as to what we should do next.

By the way, I know that I'm kind of jumping the gun with this since we are still doing an IUI this month, and it's completely possible that I could get pregnant. We just have to plan ahead and decide where to go if it doesn't work so that we can begin the process of saving, getting a loan, finding $15,000 on the roadside, winning the lottery (which we don't play), getting on a game show, you know....that sort of thing!

Thank you all for your support and prayers through this entire process! We can't say enough how much we appreciate it...by the way, we're open to suggestions, advice, and opinions!!! Feel free to comment here or send me an email (ericabcrum@gmail.com) or facebook message!

Oh and....if you're not yet "following" my blog, please become a "follower" so that I know you're reading!! Just go down the screen and click on "Follow" on the right-hand side. :)

Thankful...

Okay, I haven't participated in the "Days of Thanksgiving" deal on facebook or on my blog yet, so I thought I should get caught up. Since today is the 10th day of the month, I'll do a list of ten things for which I'm thankful. Here goes...

1. I'm thankful for a God who loves me despite my imperfections. In fact, he created me WITH my imperfections and can use my short-comings for His good.

2. I'm thankful for a hard-working husband who provides for me, loves me unconditionally, and wants the best for me.

3. I'm thankful for my amazing parents! They're genuinely good people who have always done everything they can to make sure I was happy, taken care of, and loved.

4. I'm thankful for the time I got to have carrying Kinley. I'm so thankful that God saw fit to give her to me! I'm thankful for every time I heard her heartbeat, felt her move, and saw her on the ultrasound.

5. I'm thankful for a sister who is my best friend and a brother who always makes me smile. They are both so very different from me, yet we all fit together so very well. (Btw, I'm super thankful for the relationship I have with Megan. I know that not all sisters have the kind of friendship that we do.)

6. I'm thankful for my two beautiful nieces!! They are precious to me!!! Brenna and Bristol are as close to my own children as I could possibly get without them actually being mine. I love them beyond words and miss them every single day! Bristol is beautiful, precious, and sweet! Brenna is beautiful, charming, funny, and smart. They're perfect!

7. I'm thankful for my parents-in-law. (Is that a term?) Rex and Mary took me into their lives and made me feel like part of their family from the very beginning. They've been nothing but loving, supportive, and kind to me.

8. I'm thankful for my sisters-in-law (Sarah, Becca, and Leah). I'm thankful that Sarah and I have become good friends and that I have been blessed to be a part of Becca and Leah's growing up and becoming young women!

9. I'm thankful for the relationship between my family and Jacob's family. I'm so thankful that we can all spend time together and enjoy each other's company. It was most evident and most endearing through the time that we lost Kinley. Our families truly bonded together. We were able to spend a great deal of time together, cry together, laugh together, and truly ENJOY being together! We even vacation together! :) By the way, this picture is from our joint Christmas party!

10. I'm thankful for my extended family whom I love more than words could express!!! I'm thankful for grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins who are friends. I'm thankful for the relationships I have with each one of them! (I could start putting pictures, but could never fit them all in!!)

I Have A Problem!

Brace yourselves....here comes a completely pointless blog post with no real value to your life!

So, I'm a housewife. Cleaning is what I do! I save money wherever I can, but don't use generic cleaning products because I feel like the "real" stuff works better. Crazy, I know! I have just enough obsessive-compulsive qualities for it to be really bad! I clean all the time. (It does not help that I have no friends and nothing to do all day....by the way, I'm seriously considering getting a j-o-b to help with that problem!)

Anyway, I love my cleaning products. Clorox wipes are great, but PineSol is my ultimate favorite! I love the smell of floors scrubbed with PineSol!

Knowing all of this, you should understand how disappointed I was when I cleaned my bathroom floor with something different and it smelled awful!! (I won't name the product so as not to dissuade anyone from trying it out yourself, you might like it!) But for me, it smelled BAD!

Here's where the problem lies....I seriously considered re-doing my floors because of it! Seriously, I'm messed up! That's just not normal! I had to talk myself out of re-cleaning the bathroom floors with PineSol. Tell me I don't have a problem!!! (Hence, the possibility of me finding a job!)

See, told you it was completely pointless....do you feel like you just wasted a few minutes of your life reading it??? :)

New Medication + Stress = Bad

Hello faithful blog readers!! Sorry I've been so MIA recently. I wish I could come back with an inspiring and encouraging post, but unfortunately you're not going to get that from me today!

I started my new fertility drug and all I can really say is ... UGHHH!! I hope it works, but it's AWFUL! I would honestly rather take the injections nightly than deal with the side effects from the new medicine. I have a horrible headache from the moment I wake up in the morning and spend the whole day waiting for the next hot flash that will leave me drenched in sweat! Lovely, just lovely. And they expect me to feel like..., you know, "TRYING"! Yikes!

So anyway, I only have to take the medicine two more days and then I'm done with it, so I'm hoping that the effects stop when I stop taking the daily dose. I'll have an ultrasound next Wednesday to see how many follicles we're working with this month and if they medication worked to thicken my lining. I'll keep you all updated. Pray, pray, pray for several good follicles!

In other news, my stress level is through the roof! I am really not handling the stresses of life well. In dealing with the infertility and the move to Tennessee (yes I realize it was 4 months ago, but I'm not settled yet), I'm losing my mind....no really, I think I am. I came to the realization today that there's absolutely NO way I'll get pregnant when I'm this much of a mess emotionally. I'm constantly either crying or fighting the urge to cry. I feel sorry for myself and don't understand why nothing in my life seems be working out...something has got to give!!! I'm so very homesick, I miss my baby girl, and I can't believe I'm still not pregnant! Please pray for some relief for me and maybe even a little dose of joy!!

By the way, both my Grandpa Bill and Jacob's Grandma Joan are still in the hospital and could use your prayers as well.

Thank you, thank you, thank you for all the prayers and support!!!

Quick Update...

Just a quick update for those who have asked if Jacob and I are able to do an IUI yet or what our plan is at this point...

I took Clomid this month and planned to have an IUI about a week ago. I had an ultrasound on day twelve, and had several small follicles but only one "lead" or mature follicle. My uterine lining was also too thin. Although the doctor wasn't overly concerned about this, Jacob and I decided that we just couldn't put the money into a "long shot" IUI. We decided to cancel the procedure.

Although this cycle isn't necessarily a complete bust, it's not a great month for us either. I was disappointed with the results of the Clomid. They will be switching me to a new medication next month and we'll try again!!

By the way, instead of the IUI, we spent a little bit of that money to go to a hotel in Louisville and spend a little quality time together....so nice!

Thank you all for your prayers for us and for being so concerned!! It really does mean so very much to have so many people reading the blog and letting us know that you're thinking of us and praying for us!

On a completely different note, I know I haven't been blogging much lately. I've been blessed to be able to spend quite a bit of time at home with my sister and her sweet new addition!!! It's too hard to put Bristol down long enough to type a blog. :) I love being here to snuggle with her! And my sweet Brenna girl turns 4 tomorrow! It's so hard to believe that she's growing up so quickly!!! She's so very entertaining and just precious beyond belief. I love my two sweet nieces so much!!!!

October 15th

Today is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Please take a few moments today to remember those families who have experienced the loss of a child. It's a loss that is like none other and a hurt that runs so very deep. It's a pain that stays with you for your entire life. Losing a child means that you will always wonder, always wish, always long to have them. At 7:00 pm families across the U.S. will light candles in remembrance of the babies they have loved and loss. Please join us and take a few moments to pray for those families who are currently in the midst of this storm and those who are in different stages of the healing process.

Here are some of the babies I'm honoring on this day and whose families I'm remembering and praying for...

McKinley Rebecca Crum

Baby Snouwaert

Braxton Lee Peters

Samantha Bowling

James Neal Loman

Audrey Hope Harmon

Avery Thomas Harmon

Bristol Sparks

Johnathan Allen McCrone

Zachary Robinson

As well as many babies lost to miscarriage whose names we'll know in heaven!

We love you and miss you sweet babies!! You've each left your mark on this world and changed us for the better. We'll see you again soon, but until then we'll remember you here!!!

(BTW, I'm so sorry if I forgot someone!! I tried to go through everyone I could think of, but I'm afraid I forgot someone!!! If I did, email me and I'll add your baby too!)

Bristol Rae

We welcomed my sweet niece into the world on Thursday October 7th, and she is perfect!!!

Bristol Rae arrived earlier than planned, but she is healthy and doing well. She weighed 5 pounds 15 ounces and was 20 inches long. (She has long feet and hands, and I think she'll be tall like her daddy!!) It's a pure joy to be back home spending some time with her. She's a true blessing!

I know that most people probably know what a blessing it is to have a healthy new baby, but when you have had a pregnancy or infant loss or have dealt with infertility, it's even more real to you! I knew when my niece Brenna was born that she was a blessing and I loved her beyond words!! BUT, I had no idea how much of a true miracle she was and I probably took for granted the blessing that she truly was. I never considered that something could go wrong with the pregnancy or birth...I was naive!

With Bristol, I prayed HARD through the pregnancy and especially during the end when there were some small complications (low fluid mostly). I also prayed all through the c-section and felt a true relief when she was here. I felt different when Bristol was born, it was as if I took a moment to soak in how incredible it was.

I hope that through reading my blog maybe some of you who haven't gone through what Jacob and I have will relate a little more. I hope that maybe the next time you hold your new baby girl/boy, niece/nephew, or grandchild you'll soak in the blessing a little more and stop to think about what a miracle it is to have everything go well and to have a healthy baby!!

Here's our sweet girl...

Bristol and I the first time I held her!! She's just about 2 hours old....isn't she just BEAUTIFUL already?!

Meeting big sister

My beautiful girls!

Hannah

I've been reading lately from the book of 1 Samuel. The story of Hannah has been calling to me for a few weeks, and I've read it over and over. One of the books I was reading referenced Hannah's story, and I felt compelled to read it. Although I've heard the story a million times before, it struck me differently at this stage in my life.

The Bible says that God had closed Hannah's womb. While she was unable to have children, her husband's other wife, Peninnah gave their husband several sons and daughters. The Bible tells us that Peninnah taunted and provoked Hannah about not having children. To the point that Hannah would be reduced to tears and refuse to eat.

I had to put myself in Hannah's shoes for a minute, not only is she struggling with her own infertility, but she's also being made fun of and taunted for it by the "other woman". Infertility hurts....it's hurts every time you think about it, it hurts every time you see a pregnant woman or a tiny new baby, it hurts when people mean to help but say the wrong thing, it just hurts. To add to the top of that hurt the fact that someone else is mocking you for it would be devastating! How awful!

Hannah became so upset on one of their yearly trips, that as she got up and went to pray in the tabernacle. While there, the Bible says "Hannah was in deep anguish, crying bitterly as she prayed to the Lord." The priest saw her so upset and thought that she must be drunk! That must have been some pretty devastating weeping and sobbing!! Hannah cried out to God and said that if He would bless her with a son, she would give him back to God for his entire life.

Now, originally I was thinking that Hannah meant she would dedicate him to God. (You know like in one of those nice little ceremonies when the preacher prays over the baby and says some nice things and then GIVES the baby back??) Nope, that's not at all what Hannah meant! She really meant that she would give him to God for his whole life. If you read on, you can see what a great sacrifice this must have been for a mother that had longed for many years for a child.

The Bible says that Hannah conceived and gave birth to a son whom she named Samuel. Then Hannah said to her husband, "Wait until the boy is weaned, then I will take him to the Tabernacle and leave him with the Lord permanently." Wait a minute....WHAT?? Permanently?

And that's exactly what Hannah did, she took him and left him in service to the Lord. The Bible even tells us how often she saw her son. It says that every year when they returned to offer their sacrifice she brought him a gift. She saw her son, whom she had longed and prayed for, one time each year! After leaving him, Hannah sings a song of praise to the Lord. It's really quite beautiful, and you should read it if you have a chance (1 Samuel 2). Here's just a sample...

"My heart rejoices in Lord,
The Lord has made me strong.
Now I have an answer for my enemies;
I rejoice because you have rescued me."

Isn't Hannah an amazing woman of God? I've been so challenged be her in the last month or so. Hannah loved God and prayed to Him throughout her infertility. She didn't give up on the Lord, and He didn't forget her. And after receiving her blessing, Hannah remained true to her word and gave her son to God. I'm not sure that I could do that, could you? Do you trust God enough to give Him back the blessings He's given you?

By the way, because of their faithfulness, God blessed Hannah and Elkanah with 5 more children!

A Day With My Girl

For those of you who don't know me, I love my niece more than life itself! I know all aunts probably say that, but we have always had a special bond. She's precious beyond words, and we've always been very close.

I was blessed to live with my sister through her pregnancy with Brenna and for the first full year of Brenna's life. I was there for every "first"....first bath, first smile, first step! Even after moving out of their house, I saw her nearly daily. I remember worrying sometimes about being out of town for a day or two in a row because it would mean I wouldn't see her!

After losing Kinley, she was even more of a blessing to me. She brought smiles on many sad days! She kept me occupied and busy and said some of the sweetest things I've ever heard out of the mouth of a child. She was deeply affected by Kinley's death, and still talks about Kinley often. Some days, I've been amazed by her understanding and her acceptance of Kinley's death, and some days I've been crushed by her confusion and deep hurt over the loss. She's probably grieved more "normally" and in more of a healthy way than any of us. She hurts deeply and then moves on quickly. (She blessed us all by sharing a dream she had of Kinley, click here to read that story.)

When we found out we were moving, I was crushed to be leaving both of my babies behind, Kinley buried at the gravesite chosen because of it's close proximity to our home, and Brenna! Since we've moved, Brenna has most definitely been the hardest to be away from (sorry family, but I know you already knew it was true!) I am so excited to be home now helping out and anxiously awaiting the arrival of Brenna's baby sister, and it means a lot of extra time with my girl too! On Saturday, we had a "special" day and spent some quality time together!!

We had a blast going to Cayden's first birthday party and spending some time at the pumpkin patch. To top off the day, she climbed up on my lap yesterday evening and said "I love you so much Etty! We had such a GREAT day together!" She melts my heart!!! So, here are some photos of our fun.....tell me she isn't too cute for her own good??

Always such a little poser!

Me with my girl!!

She's a girly-girl, who is strangely obsessed with bugs! She found a caterpillar in the corn maze.

Doctor's Appointment

I got a great report at my doctor's office today! It was my follow-up appointment from the surgery I had about three weeks ago. The doctor was very optimistic about the results of my surgery. He really seemed to feel like the endometriosis that was there was likely "left-over" from the last surgery and not really new growths, which means it hadn't rapidly returned like we had feared.

The scar tissue was very severe. The left ovary was completely bonded to my tube and uterus and the right ovary was covered in scar tissue as well. He felt certain that this has been my fertility issue. Of course, you can't know for sure if the scar tissue will return, but he felt good about it.

A couple months ago Jacob and I were devastated by the news that we would likely need IVF to conceive. We just didn't have the finances to proceed with that at the time. Today, I was told that we could try a couple rounds of oral medication....not IVF, not injectables, but Clomid!!! I was pleasantly surprised to hear that this was an option. This not only means that it will be much cheaper than the injectables (probably $1500-2000 cheaper for medicine and several less ultrasounds and blood tests that add up as well), but also means that we can start "trying" again sooner than we had planned! The plan is to try a round of Clomid with an IUI. In about two months our projected cost of trying to get pregnant went from $20,000 to about $370. We are thrilled with the news!!!!

All of this came the day after I posted this status on facebook...

"survived my final "first anniversary"! Today was the day we buried Kinley and had her memorial service one year ago...tomorrow starts a new year for us!!!"

Isn't our God an awesome God??? We didn't get our ultimate "good news" yet, but isn't this an awesome start? God is working and this is truly a new year for us!!

Feeling Loved and Supported!

I wanted to take a minute and just say how overwhelming loved Jacob and I have felt in the past year. We knew we had great families that were supportive of us, and good friends who cared for us, but we had NO idea how many people would shower us with love and prayers. One of the benefits of sharing my story publicly is that so many of you are lifting us up in prayer, sending us emails and cards, and letting us know how much you care!

A year ago tomorrow, we held Kinley's memorial service. We were completely overwhelmed and shocked at the number of people who came to the service! I can't remember the exact number, but it was somewhere between 250 and 300 people that showed up to support us. For a baby who never took a breath on this earth and never met most of those people at the service, it was an amazing turn-out! If you were one of those people that were there for us, thank you from the bottom of our hearts!!!!! It meant more than you could ever know!

On Friday, we celebrated Kinley's first birthday and had about 30-35 people join us to let balloons go at the cemetery. In addition, we heard from many more who were holding their own remembrance celebrations! We're so very thankful!!!! Kinley was blessed to have grandparents, aunts, uncles, (and great aunts and uncles), cousins, and friends who loved her enough to be there to help her Mommy and Daddy get through the day. Thank you so much to all of you!!!

In addition, while I'm thinking about the memorial service, I want to make a quick plug for the funeral home that helped us with Kinley's burial arrangements. The Covington Sunset Funeral Home's general manager drove all the way to Lafayette to handle our arrangements. On the day he came to meet with us, he was also supposed to take McKinley's body with him. The hospital could not release her body until I was released from the hospital, and I was just not ready to say goodbye. Drew Edwards busied himself in Lafayette for hours waiting for me to be ready to leave Kinley. It is not easy to think about sending your babies body with someone you don't really know, but he made me feel so at ease and I KNEW that he would take the very best care of Kinley. He treated her like a living, breathing baby and I'm so very thankful!

We had things that we wanted to be have put in the casket with Kinley, so my Mom was going to stop by the Danville Chapel to drop off all those things and take a few pictures of Kinley in the casket with all of her stuff. When she arrived, they had her wait a few moments and then took her in to a giant empty room where they had set up a beautiful little display with Kinley's casket, just for my Mom.

Both Drew Edwards and Linda Darby-Sempsrott were there for the burial service and were kind, caring, and loving to us all. We felt their truest and deepest sympathy in the way they handled the entire situation. In addition, often times when a child passes, funeral homes will do some of the things for free. In this case, they went above and beyond what was expected....from providing balloons to release, a guest book to sign, and laminated copies of her obituary, all the way down to Kinley's pink casket!!!

I know that no one really wants to think about needing to use funeral services, but I would highly recommend that if you live in the Danville, IL/Covington, IN area, you check into Sunset funeral home!! The death of a loved one is NEVER easy, but when you're handled with care and compassion it does make the planning process so much easier! Thank you, thank you, thank you Sunset!!!

(By the way, Sunset has no idea I'm saying all this and I'm in no way getting anything for "promoting" them! Just for the record!)

September 24th - Kinley's Birthday

A year ago, I was holding her...she was already gone of course, but I was soaking in her features, her tiny little hands, her curly dark hair, her little button nose, her chubby little knees. I was trying desperately to drink it all in. It was all that I would get, just about 32 hours to do make a lifetime's worth of memories.

After laboring through the night, in a stupor of half working-epidural, half-functioning brain, half-sleeping body, I was nearing the end of the time of waiting. Around 4 am, the doctor checked me again. To my dismay, there was still little progress. In fact, at around midnight he had said he could feel her head down, but by 4 am, he could feel her tiny hand instead. Some of my family dispersed to get much needed showers and rest. I just couldn't quite settle in at this point.

At 6:30 Dr. H. returned again, and I had finally made "a little" progress. Still he saw no need to call my sister back to the hospital and it seemed that I was in for another long morning. For some reason, my Mom decided to call Megan anyway (she had just had surgery less than a week before and had finally listened to reasoning and gone home to rest.)

At a little after 7, I knew that something had changed. I asked someone to have the nurse call my doctor...I could feel pressure and was just about to have a baby, I just knew it! By about 7:15, I called out frantically that someone needed to get in there...now! The nurse came in and luckily my doctor arrived soon after. By the time he checked me, I was ready to deliver. It took only a couple short pushes to deliver my 1 pound 9 ounce baby girl. At 7:33 am, McKinley Rebecca Crum was born.

The birth was peacful and calm (other than how quickly it happened!) My mom, sister, mother-in-law, and sister-in-law, as well as Jacob were all present for the birth. Kinley entered quietly into the world...no crying, from her or from me.

The doctor immediately noticed the knot in her cord and reasoned that it was probably what had caused Kinley's death. He allowed Jacob to cut the cord and laid her gently on my chest. My first reaction was fear and nervousness. She looked so delicate and I was almost afraid to touch her. But, no matter whether she was breathing or not, she was mine and my motherly instincts took over. I kissed her on the head and held her for a few moments. I wrapped her up and cradled her lifeless little body. She was beautiful, more so than I ever could have imagined. She had her Daddy's full-lips and my round little cheeks. She had the same little nose as Brenna had and lots of dark curly hair! (Aunt MiMi the hairdresser said she had a "crazy" curl pattern!)

Luckily, my sister had the presence of mind to grab my camera and start snapping pictures. Those candid first shots are the best pictures we have of Kinley. Her body failed quickly and even by that evening when the photographer arrived, she looked much different, much worse!Through the day, our family and friends filtered in, saying their hello's and goodbye's. We had a steady stream of visitors in and out of the room and Kinley was rarely put down at all. We introduced Kinley to grandparenst, aunts, uncles, and cousins. We cried tears with friends who had already been in our shoes.

I definitely had my moments of tears, but for the most part I just didn't want to miss one tiny thing about her. I was terrified I would someday forget what she looked like, what she smelled like, what she felt like in my arms....I was right to be worried because I already forget many of the little details.

That night, we decided to send Kinley's body with the nurses in hopes that the cold room they would keep her in would help "preserve" her body a little longer and that I might get some sleep. I had, for the most part, been strong. I didn't sleep well at all, and at some point got up to use the restroom and half walked, half crawled to Jacob's bed accross the room. I collapsed in bed with him in complete hysterics and sobs. He held me tight and between sobs, I said "go get my baby, I want her back, tell them I want her back!!!"

We held her together and rested for a few more hours, but I was already beginning to panic about leaving her. Leaving her to be taken away and put into a tiny casket, leaving her for good, leaving her forever...that time would come all to soon!




My sweet McKinley,

I can't believe you've been gone a year already!! I miss you so much more than words could ever really say! I long to hold you again, to kiss your sweet face, to tell you how much I love you. I know that God had a bigger plan for you than this world, but it doesn't make it any easier for me.

You've touched a lot of lives in the past year! I know that you know that, even more than I do, and I'm so proud to be your Mommy! There are people who live on this earth for a hundred years and never make the impace that you made in just a few short months...you're my little world-changer!

My life today is not anything like I pictured it would be when I was feeling you moving and kicking inside me. I still feel lost sometimes without you. There are days that I'm not sure I'll get through it all. How could someone who was here for such a short amount of time be missed so very much?

We're having a little celebration for you today, we'll be sending you some cards and balloons. Of course I know that the eternal gifts of heaven are far greater than anything we could ever give you here! I hope you're celebrating today too. I hope you're celebrating the mark you made on this world!

I love you baby girl!! Happy Birthday!!!
Mommy

P.S. You know Mommy has so many friends whose babies are there with you...will you give them kisses from their Mommies too? Tell them how much they love them and miss them too!

A Picture Is Worth A Thousand Words!

Just a few of my favorites...







Happy (Almost) 1st Birthday Baby Girl!

By the way, sorry it goes so fast! I can't figure out how to slow the pictures down....guess you can watch it twice if you need to!!

September 23, 2009

Waiting, and waiting, and waiting.

Today is a day in limbo! I'm relieved that yesterday is over and I'm anxiously awaiting the arrival (the the passing) of tomorrow. Today is a day of waiting and hanging in the balance.

Wednesday the 23rd of last year was a day of waiting. I didn't sleep much the night before in my hospital bed. I rested off and on, but was mostly restless.

By morning I had progressed only to about a centimeter dilated. Sometime through the morning to early afternoon, I progressed to a 4 and got stuck there forever!!! Kinley's head would drop and we would think progress was being made, but the next time I got checked it would have moved back up and out of the birth canal. It was exhausting to deal with the labor mixed with the emotion of knowing that Kinley was already gone. I could have done it for days if I had the hope an excitement of delivering a living, crying, baby!

At some point, my back was in intense pain and I decided to go ahead with the epidural to help me relax and rest. So much for that thought! My epidural didn't really work as it was suppose to, so I was constantly asking for more meds, trying to turn by propping myself up on different, sides, and wincing in pain. The left side of my body was numb, the right side was most definitely not. I was nearing the 24 hour mark, and if I had just been contracting I would have been fine, but the back pain was excruciating!

That's pretty much how I spent the 23rd. I don't remember all of it (by this point, I had also been given several meds to calm my nerves and help me sleep). I was just stuck in waiting and wondering....what would the labor be like? would I break-down when I saw her? would I just want them to take her away? would we want pictures of her? would it peaceful or panicky? is it possible to be a loving and caring Mommy to a baby that was dead? how would I ever leave the hospital without her?

My mind was wondering and questioning, but not panicking. My heart was hurting and broken, but not crying out in agony. My room was somber and quiet. God was in the midst of our darkest hours and we really could feel His peace settling into that hospital room. His peace and presence would be even more tangible by the next morning...

September 22, 2009

Of all the days this month, today is the one I was dreading the most. A year ago today, I had a scheduled ultrasound that revealed that our sweet Kinley had no heartbeat. It's very strange how I remember it all. It's like I watch it back on a movie, I can see myself and Jacob like I'm floating somewhere toward the top of the room. There are parts that are as clear as it they're happening right now, but there are parts of the movie that go completely out of focus and parts that are very foggy.

Since I'm re-playing all of the events in my mind over and over, I decided to blog them too. It might help me to put them all down in one place. This is the account of September 22, 2009.

I had already had some signs that something was wrong, and had in fact called the doctor's office a few days before to say I wasn't feeling much movement, but the nurse assured me that it was probably nothing. I resisted the urge to go in and be checked.

Tuesday morning, I woke up like any other morning...got ready for school, taught my classes, even talked to a student about the exciting ultrasound I was having later in the day. I was hoping I could get a good 3D shot of my baby girls face, instead, two days later I would look directly into it.

Megan had just had a surgery and I was busying myself taking care of her and Brenna. I picked Brenna up from school on my way out and took her home to eat and lay down for a nap. We had decided I would take her to my appointment with me, since Megan wasn't really in much shape to care for her at home. My appointment was at 2 and she was still napping, but I tried to wake her and loaded her into the car. Jacob was meeting us at the appointment.

Once in the doctor's office, Brenna went back to sleep (totally a God thing that she slept through the next several minutes!) Jacob and I made small talk, but the knot in my stomach grew larger. A lady at the window told the receptionist how far she was and realized we were only days apart in our pregnancy. She was much much larger than me....was that a bad sign? Somewhere in my mind I was already preparing for what was about to come.

The ultrasound tech called us back and Jacob sat down in the chair a few feet away, holding Brenna on his lap. She began the ultrasound, and immediately upon placing the wand on my stomach asked me if I had been feeling much movement. I said no, and she silently slid the wand over my belly taking a couple of measurements, but saying very little. My heart was dropping, I knew something was very wrong. She left to get the doctor and I knew that it meant something was wrong. I told Jacob that she had never showed us the heartrate. He said that it was probably just the digestive tract again (this ultrasound was scheduled because at 18 weeks the couldn't get a good look at her digestive tract). I just said no, no, it's not. Those moments seemed to take a lifetime, I was hanging in the balance between the beautiful life I had been planning and the devastating news I knew was about to completely rock it!

I'll never forget the look on my doctor's face, I knew as soon as he walked in the door. But something inside of me needed to hear him say the words. So I said "What's wrong? Just tell me now, okay?" He responded that they couldn't find a heartbeat. He looked for a moment on ultrasound too, and then walked out, leaving Jacob and I alone. In that moment I was in shock. I wasn't crying, I was just staring ahead, lost in the world of "this can't be happening".

I picked up the phone and called my Mom. The conversation went something like this..."Mom, they can't find a heartbeat. She's gone." Very matter of fact, very emotionless. My mom thought that it must be wrong and said to make them check again. I just responded "they did check again, she's gone." Then the nurse returned to take us to a room and I hung up.

Once in our room, I made a quick call to Megan. Luckily, our dear friend Lisa was dropping off dinner for her to have for the night, and immediately loaded Megan up to bring her to the doctor's office. Lisa would then take Brenna back home with her where a babysitter would meet them, leaving Megan to be with me. This was all happening outside of my realm of awareness. Then I told Jacob that he would have to call his Mom, although he didn't really want to make that call, I felt that he needed to do it. He actually put it off for a few minutes until I said that I would do it if he just didn't want to, he didn't think I needed to make any more calls and picked up his phone. We sat in a room together, Jacob holding Brenna, and stared at each other in utter disbelief. What had just happened? And where would we go from here?

The next couple moment were some of the hardest...

Brenna began to wake up, and by this time I was crying. She climbed off Jacob's lap and came to me across the room. As I picked her up, she asked me what was wrong. Somewhere in the midst of all that was happening, God gave me the clarity of mind to give her an answer. In calmness and without crying, I said "We're not going to be able to get Kinley out of my belly here on earth. She already got to go to heaven to be with Jesus and she won't be coming back." Her little face is etched in my mind forever, questioning, not understanding, but trusting me that it was okay. (Wow, does that speak volumes!!) I'd be looking at God with that same face for months, and I know that it is etched in His mind too!

I was very careful not to say that Jesus "took" her to heaven, or that she "had" to go. I didn't want her to think it was a bad thing. I think that first conversation with her has greatly shaped how she's reacted through the past year.

The next couple hours are a blur....the nurse came back in, then the doctor, I'd need to deliver her, I'd have to labor, I could go to the hospital now or wait for my labor to start, I would need to plan a service of some sort, I would need to bury her. My sister came....I could hear her crying hysterically in the hallway, I fell apart, the reality of it set in, Jacob held me, Megan made calls, Douglas came, they took me home. My parents arrived, I cried some more, I tried to pack, no one knew what to say or how to act. My grandparents came, Megan made more phone calls, I posted a post on facebook letting the "rest of the world" know that Kinley had passed and that I would be going to the hospital soon to start my labor.

I still run my hand over the dent on the "Ford" plate in the middle of my steering wheel. Jacob had stayed mostly calm. The look on his face the entire time was haunting and sad, but he was mostly holding me up (literally at times!) As we pulled up in front of the house, he suddenly hit the steering wheel with his fist....hard, quick, angry! He would later leave the house to spend some time alone, time which I believe he spent hitting a punching bag. He was dealing with the anger, I was just beginning to deal with the intense sadness.

We arrived at the hospital around 6 and checked in. My first panic set in when I realized that the lady at the registration desk would ask me why I was there. I'd have to say the words again. I'd only spoken what had happened three times, once to my Mom, once to Megan, and then to Brenna. Now to a complete stranger. She began with my name and then asked why I was there. I don't really remember what I answered, I believe I said I was there to deliver my baby who had passed away. She was sweet and kind and caring. She treated me very gently. By this point, my extended family started arriving, beginning with my aunt Christy. They would surround me with love and prayer for the next few days in the hospital! Jacob's parents and sisters (and Adam) arrived as well. Amazing, doesn't begin to describe our family!!! They overtook an entire extra hospital room as well as the waiting room down the hall. They "camped out", they cried, they prayed, they rubbed my feet, they played with my hair, they fed Jacob.

By 7, I was settled in a room and then had begun to get me hooked up. At some point around 7:30 or 8, the doctor came in to begin the process of starting my labor. Pastor Greg arrived to pray with me, more of my family arrived, we tried to rest, we tried to pray, we waited.....

I Want To Go Home!

UPDATE: I came home!!!

Today one overwhelming thought is dominating my mind...

I want to go home!!!!

I hate this time of year and I'm struggling more everyday as Kinley's birthday gets closer. I can remember what I was doing on each day and keep thinking "a year ago today, I was...." Today the thought is that a year ago today I was beginning to realize somewhere in the back of my mind that something wasn't right, but I was ignoring that nagging thought. For the most part, I was happy, for the most part, I was blissfully unaware of just how hard my life was about to get.

But, back to the going home part.....I want nothing more than to be HOME and this just isn't home. I've been lying to people for a couple months now. The conversation goes something like this...

Them: "Tennessee is such a beautiful area! (EVERYONE says this!) How are you liking it?

Me: Always the same response..."I'm getting used to it, it's not home yet, but I like it!"

There it was, the lie, did you catch it?? I don't like it! I don't like it at all. On the list of things I like, living in Tennessee does not appear. Here are a few things I like...

I like seeing Megan and Brenna everyday. I like them to be 5 minutes away and I like being a part of every aspect of Brenna's life... picking her up from school, eating lunch, going to the mall, babysitting....I LIKE that!

I like seeing my Mom and Dad whenever I want. I know I didn't go to Covington as much as I should have when I lived in Lafayette, but I like that I could jump in the car and go if I wanted. I liked seeing them once a week or so.

I like being able to call Rex and Mary on any given Friday night and meet up for dinner with them.

I like being able to text Destiny on a bad day (much like today) and knowing that she'll be there in a half an hour.

I like my little Christian school where the students and staff not only know my story, but walked through it with me.

I like going to church in my own church and being able to pray with people that I don't have to explain my situation to.

I like having friends to meet for lunch and family to go shopping with.

I like that when I'm having one of those just terrible days (like today), someone always stops in with a little gift, food, a distraction, or a plot to get me out of the house and my mind on something else. I like that all it takes is a facebook status to make that happen.

I like living in Lafayette, but I don't like living in Tennessee. I'm trying to make the best of it. I'm trying to meet people. I'm trying to make it home, but it's just not. What I'd really like today is to just go home!!!!!

(Sorry for my "pity me, life is tough attitude", that's just where I am today! And just for the record, this is not an invitation for everyone who's ever moved to tell me how before long I'll consider it home, and love it, and never want to move back. I've heard that all before, and I appreciate it, but now is just not the time!!!!!)

Time Change

Because of conflict with Jacob's work, we need to change the time of our celebration of Kinley's life to 7:00 next Friday the 24th. So, if you're planning to join us, note the time change and remember to let me know you're coming!!

Approaching Kinley's Birthday

I'm so quickly approaching Kinley's first birthday and my feelings and emotions are rising daily! My experience so far has been that the build-up to the holidays and "tough" days has been much worse than the day itself. Usually there's a day about two or three days before the big day that I completely fall apart. So far, I've been "home" for all of those days and either Megan and Brenna or Destiny and Cayden have stepped in to be there for me by coming over and not only listening, but providing a distraction. This time, I'm here in Knoxville, and to large extent, I'm alone. I've been trying so hard to prepare myself for that day and to remind myself of all the good that's come from us having Kinley. But no matter how much I focus on the good, the bad is still there!!

I'm now ten days from her birthday and I'm finding my mind wandering so much to the "could have beens" and "should have beens". I should be planning a birthday party, but instead I'm trying to figure out what to do to celebrate an event that doesn't warrant celebration. I'm trying to navigate what's appropriate for the situation and how to best honor Kinley. I find myself wondering, if she can look down from heaven and see me, would she want me to celebrate, to mourn, or to let the day pass without doing either? A large part of me wishes we could just let it slip by without drawing any attention to it. But the Mom in me knows that she deserves more than that. I know that I'd feel guilty if I didn't do something. So I'm going to combine celebration and mourning. That's the best that I can do!

Brenna asked me the last time I was home if we could give her any presents for her birthday. She wanted to send them up to heaven with a balloon. I told her we really couldn't do that, but that we could draw her a picture and write her a letter and send that to heaven with a balloon. She said "Well when we go to heaven or she comes back here, or whichever one happens, I'll give her some of my toys for her birthday." I told her that was really sweet of her. In true Brenna fashion, she followed with "well I'll give her the ones I don't play with anymore and I don't want!" (Hey, she's wise beyond her years, but she's still 3!!) But the point is, I think we'll use Brenna's idea and at least send her pictures tied to balloons. I'm also trying to find an idea for how to give a gift that would honor Kinley's life.

For now, the plan is to meet at Kinley's gravesite on her birthday, Friday September 24th. We'll spend some time writing letters and drawing pictures for her, and then tie them to balloons to be sent to her in heaven. We'll sing "Happy Birthday" through our tears and let the balloons go at the end of the song. Then I'll spend the rest of the evening with my family eating pizza and celebrating the mark that she made on our hearts and in our lives. Her first steps may be in heaven, but her first footprint is on my heart!

And I'm still left thinking...."Has it really been a year?"

By the way, if you feel like Kinley has touched your life and you want to celebrate her brief time on this earth, you're welcome to join us at the gravesite that evening. The plan is to meet there at 6:30 Friday evening. She's buried at St. Boniface cemetery, in the Baby Land toward the back of the cemetery. If you plan to come, please send me an email or comment on this post to let me know so that I'm sure I have enough balloons. I'll also have plenty of paper and markers to make the cards/letters. If you can't be there, feel free to send your own balloon to heaven. Be sure to let me know if you do!!

"I thank my God every time I remember you." Phillipians 1:3

"But Jesus called to him, saying, "Let the children come to me, and do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of God." Luke 18:16

Surgery Results

Hello Everyone!!! Sorry for the brief break from blogging, as I type, I'm stretched out on my couch hurting but recovering! I'm at the point that I feel lucid enough to type this because I'm in enough pain to know that the pain medication is nearly worn off!! Hopefully I make sense, but if I don't, I can't be blamed! Blame it on the hydrocodone!

My surgery Tuesday went well. It took about two hours to get me all cleaned out, but the doctor seemed optimistic about the results. Surgery began at 8 and by 11 I was waking up in the recovery room. The recovery people were in a real hurry to get me out the door, and I wasn't having an easy time complying with that....they had me up and getting dressed and going to the bathroom long before I felt ready! I came out of the bathroom feeling really dizzy and found that they had already cleaned my bed and moved it. No one was around to help me, and I almost passed out, so I collapsed in a wheelchair and nearly started to cry. Pretty soon a nurse came in with Jacob. I guess she could tell by the way I was slumped in the wheelchair that I wasn't ready to go home, so she put me back in bed and gave me another bag of fluids. I finally started feeling better and made it home around 2:00.

I wasn't able to talk to the doctor because I was still pretty out of it, so I called the nurse yesterday to get the report from her. She said that the doctor removed a little endometriosis, but mostly adhesions (scar tissue). He was pleased with this because the scar tissue will not likely return after being removed. In addition, the endometriosis was located mostly on my ovaries, so he was able to put a protective coating over my ovaries to help prevent it from returning again. I felt good about the fact that there wasn't a lot of endometriosis grown back yet. I had been worried that it had returned so quickly, but in fact, it was just the scar tissue causing the problems.

In addition, after getting a look at what was going on, he felt like the scar tissue was the problem in us getting pregnant previously. He seemed optimistic that I will be able to get pregnant and possibly even by using another IUI rather than moving on to IVF!! This is a huge blessing for us, because as you know, we were concerned about the cost of IVF! We'll be able to give the IUI a couple more shots before needing to move on! We still need to save some in order to do another IUI, so it will probably be a couple months before we're ready, but we'll keep you all posted. I'm thinking probably November will be our next try.

Thank you so much for your prayers!!! I feel so much better about our prognosis and feel excited to have finally received some GOOD news!!! Keep praying, your prayers are working!!!

(By the way, isn't it awesome to be a part of God working in someone's life. I love it when I've been praying for something or someone and the prayer gets answered, even in part!! It feels great to be a part of it, and you're all a part of it! Imagine how we'll ALL feel when I'm finally pregnant!!!!!)

Thanks again! Love to all!!

Erica

Late Night Epiphany!

Okay, so I just had a revelation and I had to share it before I head to bed for the night. I was reading Kindra's comment on my last post, and it just really hit right on the spot for me! (Before you read the rest of this, click back and read her comment!) I've really been dealing with doubt the past few days. The reports just seem so grim and there's so much "wrong" with me that I don't see how it will ever work out! But then I re-read her comment tonight and it struck me that He's been speaking to me that He made me just the way I am. He made me imperfect for His glory! So that when it does all work out, all the praise will be to Him....not to a doctor, not to me, not to Jacob, but to GOD ALONE!!

And as I began thinking about it a couple of things came to me that I had just read in a book that I'm studying. I'm taking a class at church over the book "Trusting God Even When Life Hurts" by Jerry Bridges and it is WONDERFUL! I'm only on chapter 2 and have already gotten so much that I know I'll need to re-read it to soak it all in. These are the parts that spoke to me:

"Consider what God has done: Who can straighten what he has made crooked?" Ecclesiastes 7:13

He made me "crooked" and allowed "crooked" circumstances to enter my life, and only HE can make them straight. Only He can heal me and only He can straighten out what seems to be a mess!

The book also describes God's providence as "His constant care for and His absolute rule over all His creation for His own glory and the good of His people." Notice the word "and"! "God never pursues His glory at the expense of the good of His people, nor does He ever seek our good at the expense of His glory."

His glory and our good go together. He isn't putting me in this place only to bring Him glory, I'm in this place to bring Him glory AND for my own good. It doesn't seem that way now, but it's true.

Okay, so it's late and I'm probably not tying all this up with a nice little bow on top, and in fact I feel like I'm completely rambling!! I know this is nothing new and you're probably thinking "Uhhh, yeah duh!!" I've heard it all before too, but this time the Holy Spirit really revealed it to my heart! Maybe it will strike you like it did me and maybe not, but I'll leave you with a few scriptures that I felt led to after reading and re-reading these things tonight.

"For when I am weak, then I am strong." 1 Corinthians 12:10

"But He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, my strength is made perfect in weakness'." 2 Corinthians 12:9

"But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. He chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things, and the things that are not to to nullify the things that are, so that no one should boast before Him." 1 Corinthians 1:27-29

The KJV says "so that no flesh should glory in His presence". When God answers our prayer for children, no flesh will glory in His presence, for only He can make straight that which He has made "crooked"!! Thank you Jesus!

By the way, thank you Kindra for your insight! Hope you don't mind that I'm sharing it!!! :)