A Look At 2011

It's been a very BIG year for Jacob and I! Each month has held it's own challenges, surprises, and blessings. Here's a look back at our year....

January held another failed attempt at fertility and an increase in my injectable meds. I was taking 5 shots a day!! In the end, it failed yet again!

February brought about some devastating news from our doctor. February was the month that we were basically told that IVF was not a good option for us and getting pregnant was unlikely. The doctor suggested we not try any more attempts at IUI and probably not waste the time or money on IVF either....ouch!!

In March, we took our annual Florida trip, which is always one of my highlights of the year (although this year it was overshadowed a few times!) It was beautiful, relaxing, and fun. However, in the midst of it all, I suffered a miscarriage in Florida. It was a very early miscarriage and I had barely taken a test when I started spotting. Still, it hurt....yet, I had a become pregnant! It gave me just enough hope to keep hoping!

My brother Zack, my Mom, Me, and my sister Megan

Jacob's sister Leah, sister Sarah, and Jacob

My handsome hubby and I

In April, our year really started to turn around, we found out we were expecting a new niece or nephew this year. Jacob and I were thrilled to welcome a new little one, and yet there was that aching pain in my heart, "will it ever be me???"

In May, we found out we were moving HOME!!! What an unexpected blessing that was! We had geared ourselves up for at least another year or two in Knoxville, but God had a bigger plan for our year and He knew that we would need to spend this one celebrating at home with our family! Back to Indiana!!

In June, we adjusted to life Lafayette, did some house hunting, spent lots of time with friends and family, and had an appointment to see my regular OB, deciding to hold off on a fertility doctor until we were better settled. We had decided to see a fertility specialist and meet with an adoption agency once we were settled in our new home and things had "calmed" down!

July brought about another new medicine. It was just a low-dose medicine that works very similar to Clomid. We hadn't tried Femara yet and hoped it might work a little better for me, but were really just trying to get through until we could move on to something else. In the first month, on the new medicine, I miscarried again. But maybe that was a sign that it was working? We also bought our house!!

August was a huge month for us, we moved into our new home at the beginning of the month, after Jacob put lots of work into new flooring and paint! Our second month of the new medicine failed, but I did have two good follicles, which was huge considering I had rarely gotten that even on high doses of medicine! I also decided to go back to teaching part-time.

September was my favorite month of the year....ironic since it's the month of Kinley's birthday and is usually one of my hardest months. However, on September 8th, I found out I was PREGNANT!! On the 10th, we shared that with our immediate family. Then we kept our mouths shut (mostly!) for the next couple of weeks! On Kinley's birthday, the 24th, we let the cat out of the bag and shared our big news with the rest of our family and friends!!!

October and November were filled with all things pregnancy related! I threw up throughout most of October! By the end of the month, I felt my first little baby flutters! We also got to celebrate Bristol's 1st birthday and Brenna's 5th in October!! By November, I was feeling better and feeling lots of movement! On November 28th, we heard those blessed words "It's a GIRL!!!"

If September was my favorite month, December is a close second. First, we got the "bad" news that there appeared to be some abnormalities in Emersyn's ultrasound. Then we prayed and were joined in prayer by literally thousands of people!!! WOW! Then we got the "good" news, that God had seen fit to give us a perfectly healthy and whole baby girl!!! Then to top the month off, we welcomed our first little nephew, Benjamin, on Christmas Eve. And if he isn't perfect, I don't know what is!!!!

Update on Emersyn!

I can't even begin to describe how much love we have felt over the past week. I have been shocked to tears at the amount of support that so many of you have shown us!!! I truly believe that one of the (many) reasons for this new trial in our life was to show us the overwhelming amount of support that we have from family, friends, and complete strangers!

My appointment with the specialist was Tuesday afternoon. I really expected myself to be much more nervous than I was. The teachers at school prayed with me in the morning and little Emersyn kicked throughout the prayer! I felt totally at peace in those moments. I heard from so many friends who were praying and I could definitely feel that! Of course, by the time I got to the appointment, I was nearly shaking with nerves. I felt like my insides were quaking.

The ultrasound tech was super sweet and was a complete blessing to us. She explained why we were there, what they were looking for, and everything she saw on the ultrasound. She literally started at Emmy's toes and worked all the way up to the top of her head, measuring everything and checking every organ. The further she moved up her body, the more I began to feel at peace. Many of the signs of genetic disorders that I knew they were checking just weren't there. When she got to the bowels, she just didn't see the problem that they had seen at my OB office. Although slightly "bright", she said she doubted that the bowels could even be called"echogenic". I fully believe God healed her bowels before we got there. In addition, the spot on the heart, while still there, just didn't appear to be a problem. She examined every part of her heart and it was functioning perfectly!!! From head to toes, Emmy appeared to be perfect!

She left the room to get the doctor. When Dr. Sumners went over the ultrasound, he had the same opinion as the ultrasound tech. He said the bowels were "perfectly normal baby bowels"! And he watched her heart for a long time and said that he just couldn't call it a deformity or a problem. To him, it just looked like the muscle in her heart was echoing back a little. He said she had a structurally normal brain and that there would probably come a day when we would doubt that! :) They were also both very excited to get a really good shot of Emersyn's hand all spread open. The doctor explained that many times, babies who are born with birth defects can't open their hand fully. This was just God's extra little sign for us that she was perfect and whole!! Before leaving, he said there was no need to see a genetic counselor or to come back for a follow-up! Our prayers could not possibly have been answered any more fully!!!

I'm not sure why things happened like they did or why we had the scare with little Emmy, but I know that I already see ways that God has worked through it.

1 - They checked every inch of our little miracle's body and couldn't find any reason for concern. That sure eases a Momma's mind and makes it easier to enjoy the remainder of the pregnancy. Anyone who has had a pregnancy after loss understands how sweet that peace of mind can be. Even when I catch myself starting to worry a little, I stop myself and think "What can you possibly worry about? She's perfectly healthy and God is watching out for her!"

2 - We were shown a tremendous amount of love and support from hundreds of people. The total number of read from my last blog post was close to 2,000. That's just amazing! We were given a glimpse of just how blessed we are and how loved our little Emmy is already!!!

3 - Many more people read Kinley's story because of Emmy. So many people found my blog through other friends and then went back to read the rest of our journey and I can't help but think that part of this trial was for others to see how faithful God is by using Kinley's story once again!

4 - We faced another trial and our faith still stood firm. Each time that Satan tries to throw something in our path to trip us up, he fails! God has another victory!!

5 - I was told by people that had never really fasted and prayed for something before that they would be fasting with us. What an amazing way to lead people to the miracle worker!!!!

Thank you all so much for your prayers, comments, and messages!!!! We are abundantly blessed!!!!!!

Her sweet little open hand!

Little foot!

Emersyn Kate!

Prayers for Emmy

Emersyn's testimony began so very long ago. She's a rainbow baby, our sign of God's promise to us after the storm. She's a miracle from the very beginning. There's no good medical reason why I suddenly got pregnant on a low-dose medicine when so many other treatments had failed. We knew right away that God had big plans for our little lady. We never dreamed that we would endure another trial before we get to hold her in our arms...

On Thursday, we had our "big" ultrasound. I'd been having ultrasounds regularly, but they were done by my doctor to quickly check her progress. This ultrasound was done by the ultrasound technician and was much more in-depth. Initially, everything looked good. Because of my previous experience with ultrasound, I hold my breath until I see that little beating heart. Emmy's was beating away. She was moving around, had the hiccups, and measured right on track.

However, after the ultrasound, my doctor explained that they had found a spot on Emersyn's heart. It's called an echogenic cardiac focus. He explained that although they would normally wait 4 weeks and then re-ultrasound, I was a different case. I've been treated as a high risk patient anyway, and with my history, they wanted to refer me on to the specialist right away. In addition, they also noticed that Emersyn had echogenic bowels. Basically, her bowels show up more white than they should. The doctor explained that these two things could mean any number of things and could be a number of complications. They suggested that I see the high-risk specialist as soon as possible.

On Tuesday, I'll see Dr. Sumners in Indianapolis for a closer look at Emmy's heart and bowels. We'll also be meeting with a genetic counselor to discuss the findings and the possible causes of the abnormalities. After some research on the internet, I'm aware that both echogenic bowels and an echogenic cardiac focus are soft markers for Down Syndrome and other genetic disorders. In addition, there is still the possibility of a hole in the her heart or another cardiac issue.

Jacob and I are asking that you'll join us in praying for a COMPLETE healing for Emersyn's body. We're praying and believing that by the time we arrive at our ultrasound both issues will be completely resolved. We know that Emersyn is a miracle and that God has big plans for her and we believe that this is just another page in our testimony and hers.

I'm asking that everyone please join me in prayer for our baby girl. In addition, if you're able, please join me in fasting on Tuesday and praying for a good report from the doctor. We know that so many have already been lifting us up on a regular basis and are so thankful for all of your prayers and support!!!

Emersyn Kate!

If you read my blogs at all, you know that God has shown himself faithful to Jacob and I time and time again.

Finding out we were pregnant a few months ago was a blessing beyond any words. Of course, immediately you begin to wonder the big question....is it a girl or a boy? I was secretly harboring hopes of a baby girl. I would tell myself that I didn't care either way, but had even prayed that it would be a girl. I have a closet full of pink and frills that I was just dying to open up! I didn't want to replace Kinley, I just wanted God to restore what was lost. A large part of what was lost was all the dreams I had of a baby girl.

So today was the big day. We had a regular doctor's appointment, but because I have ultrasounds every time, I knew we'd be getting a peek at the baby. And I had asked two weeks ago for a "best guess" from the doctor. He couldn't tell then, but promised to try again today. Although he wouldn't say for 100% sure, we are 90% sure that it's a GIRL!! (This will be confirmed in two weeks at my "official" ultrasound!)

Jacob and I had gone back and forth about a few different names, and hadn't really agreed on one for sure until last night. We settled on Emersyn Kate. After my ultrasound, I posted the news on facebook and a couple of hours later, I heard from our church secretary, Vicki. The church always gives you the meaning of the baby's name, the suggested character quality, and the lifetime scripture verse. Typically, these are shared at the dedication for the baby. When we had Kinley we had Vicki look up her information and she shared it with us. We were shocked by how well it fit the situation! God had clearly been in the midst of us choosing her name. Here are her meanings...

McKinley Rebecca
Literal Meaning - "Child of the Scholarly Ruler" (My name literally means "Honorable Ruler")
Character Quality - Peaceful
Lifetime Scripture - Isaiah 11:6 "The wolf will live with the lamb, the leopard will lie down with the goat, the calf and the lion and yearling together; and a little child will lead them."

Vicki had looked Emersyn's name up today and this is what she found for our sweet baby girl...

Emersyn Kate
Meaning - "Daughter of the leader"
Character Quality - Victorious
Lifetime Scripture - Psalm 20:5 - "May we shout for joy over your victory, and in the name of our God set up our banners! May the LORD fulfill all your petitions!"

God certainly has fulfilled ALL our petitions and we are shouting for joy and giving him all the glory! It's awesome when you can see God's hand, even in a name!

Here's a sneak peek of our baby girl...

Precious beyond words!

Giving a "thumbs up"

I love that you can see her little hand!

And Mommy thinks she already looks like Daddy! :)

Flashback...a look at two years ago!

Two years ago, I was facing my first Thanksgiving after Kinley passed away. Feelings were mounting and I was having a very hard time! I thought it might be helpful to look back at that Thanksgiving. Some of you may be facing your first holiday season without your loved one, some of you may be facing your 30th! What I realized is that God has done a lot of healing in this heart of mine in the past two years.

Many of the feelings are still there and I still miss her more than words could ever describe. Reading this still opened the floodgates of my emotion. But at this point in my life, no matter how much I miss her, I KNOW that this is the plan that God had for my life. I know that He's walked every step with me and is using Kinley's story and our testimony to change lives. And I am "Truly Thankful". I'm thankful for Kinley. I'm thankful for the souls that were saved after hearing her story. I'm thankful for the lives that were changed because of "knowing" her. I'm thankful that I had her, and I'm thankful that God has her now. I'm thankful for every little morsel of healing that I've received in the past two years...every prayer, every song that I heard differently, every person who spoke a word of encouragement, every scripture that changed my perspective, every time I felt that God was holding me. I'm thankful!

Here are my words from two years ago....

Can I Truly Be Thankful?


November 26, 2009

I decided instead of writing "Happy Thanksgiving! I'm so thankful for all God has given me!", I would put a little honesty into what I was saying. So here's the thing....I know most of you woke up today and were excited to see friends and family and were thinking how much you have to be thankful for. I, however, woke up and the first thought in my mind was "What do I have to be thankful for....and NO ONE better say "HAPPY" Thanksgiving to me today. It is NOT happy!!!" I know what you're thinking, and you're right, it's a bad attitude and I'm being a brat!!

I left the house to go to Kinley's gravesite thinking that I wasn't happy and I wasn't thankful. This is not how my Thanksgiving was suppose to be. This is not what I signed up for. I didn't spend what seemed like an eternity trying to get pregnant, take fertility meds that made me feel like crap, and endure evening sickness for weeks only to have empty arms when all was said and done. I didn't imagine my life being like this.

I got to the gravesite to find that someone had stolen the Willow Tree angel that Jacob had put out there on the day we buried Kinley....seriously?? So I was feeling even more angry and quite frankly unthankful!

As I sat in my car, with my entire body convulsing in sobs I started to think. I decided that I'm not allowing this day to be like that, I'm not giving Satan any glimpse of victory. God is still good, and not only that, He's still good to ME! So....here are the things I'm thankful for.

- I'm thankful for my husband who is an amazing man of God and my shoulder to cry on. I love him so much!! I know that I am blessed to have him!

- I'm thankful for a family who loves me and supports me. They know that I will have bad days and they cry with me and pray for me. They sat with my for hours at the hospital and have called, sent cards, brought gifts, and poured themselves into me.

- I'm thankful for great friends and an awesome church family who have called, texted, and emailed to let me know they're still thinking about me.

- I'm thankful that I've been bonded through loss to new friends who know exactly how I feel! Tami and Destiny are blessings beyond what words can say! They are wonderful Godly women who have relived their pain to help me through mine.

- I'm so thankful for my sweet Brenna who called this morning to say "I love you Etty! Happy Thanksgiving! You're my best friend....and please don't have 'cry in your eyes'!"

- I'm thankful that God gave me Kinley at all. I don't want to feel this way, but I wouldn't trade it if that meant I never got to have her at all. I loved her from the moment I saw the two lines on the pregnancy test and that love grew with every ultrasound, every kick, every hiccup, and every moment that I had with her. It was solidified when I saw her sweet face, kissed her cheeks, held her tiny hand, and rocked her as she "slept".

- I'm thankful that Kinley will NEVER know the kind of pain that I'm feeling. As a Mommy I will endure this pain willingly knowing that it means that she never has to have a skinned knee, a broken heart, a bad day, or one hint of sadness.

- I'm thankful that God has promised GOOD to me. I don't know what that means for certain, I don't know that He'll answer my prayers the way I want him to, but I know He knows what's best for me. I know He will work it all for good and I know that He sees my pain and He hurts with me and for me.

- Most of all...I'm thankful that I have an assurance that I will see my baby again. I don't wonder, I don't worry, I don't doubt for one instance. I KNOW where she is today and I KNOW that I'll be there with her one day. There's no shadow of doubt in my mind that heaven is a real place, that my baby is there waiting for me, and that I will join her. I know I'll join her because I believe His word, and His word says that all I have to do is accept Him as Lord, believe that Jesus died for my sins, and confess that I'm a sinner.

So I'm not promising a day of no tears. I'm not telling you that this day is easy for me. I'm certainly not saying that I am doing "well" or that I'm "over" our loss. I'm actually promising you that it will continue to be hard for me....today is hard, December 10th will be hard, Christmas will be hard, every September 24th for the rest of my life will be hard. Please don't judge me for how I'm healing, don't say that I need to "move on", don't act as though it never happened, and don't think that having more children someday will take away my pain. My baby died and that hurts more than anything imaginable. BUT....I will survive, I will have joy again, I will have peace in God, and I will spend eternity with my precious Kinley, and I will be THANKFUL.

May you too be blessed and be thankful no matter what this life brings you....

Surviving Another of "Those" Nights

I had a full and fun day, spent with my sister and my nieces doing some shopping for my new nephew who will be arriving in December. I even got myself a couple of pairs of maternity jeans.

I came home to an empty house because Jacob is gone on a work trip, maybe the quiet and the stillness of the house is what caused the sudden somber feelings. Maybe it was the baby shopping. Maybe it was dinner with a little guy who is the same age as Kinley would be. Maybe it was sorting through some maternity clothes and coming across some I wore when I was pregnant with Kinley. I'm not sure what it was, but suddenly, sitting here in my chair, watching the CMA's, I had an overwhelming feeling of sadness. I suddenly miss Kinley so much. It's inexplicable really. I just sat here sobbing for a long time. There is really no specific reason why this should be a hard evening for me, but it somehow is.

I guess I don't have much to say about it, except that I just miss her today. I want to hold her. I want my house to not be so quiet just because Jacob is gone. I want to give her a bath, lotion her up, put her in her warm pj's, and snuggle up with her in my chair.

I am so incredibly thankful for my time with Kinley. I'm humbled and touched by the lives she's touched. I even know and see how God used her death in ways that only He could. But, that doesn't change the fact that I'm her mommy and some days I just want her back.

I heard the song "Held" on my way home tonight and something struck me. I've listened to it a million times, and have always loved it. But tonight a different part stood out than normal. It says...

This is what it means to be held,
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life,
And you SURVIVE

I suppose maybe it was the song that got me started thinking about my Kinley. Tonight, it was the 'survive' that stood out to me. I can remember many times in those first few months after having Kinley that I was just overcome with hurt. On those days, I really sat and wondered if I could survive it. It sounds silly, but there were times that I was really unsure if I could get up one more day. But I did survive. I'm still surviving every day. And now I don't even wonder if I can or if I will. I cry tonight knowing that tomorrow is a new day!

Misconception

When it comes to losing a child, there tends to be a misconception that once you become pregnant, you no longer hurt as deeply as you did before you got pregnant. I just want to clear up quickly, that the pain of losing Kinley is no less today than it was 10 weeks ago. The pain has changed many times over the past two years, and it's definitely different today than it was two years ago, but having another baby doesn't in any way take away that pain. Instead, like many other things have, it adds a new level to the hurt.

First, being pregnant again is a constant reminder of my pregnancy with Kinley. I'm reminded daily of every thought, dream, and hope I had for her. There were times before that being around pregnant women was just too much, I had to escape "pregnancy" to give my heart a break from the hurt that it reminded me of. Now, I have no escape. Pregnancy is scary for me, and it's hard to remind myself that it doesn't usually end in pain.

In addition to that, being pregnant again brings about an entirely new thing to mourn. Watching Brenna, and even Bristol, become aware of and get excited about my pregnancy is so much fun, but my mind can't help but wander to how Kinley would be reacting to this baby. Would she understand what was going on? Would she be excited? Would she be a jealous big sister? When that blessed day comes, I'll be overjoyed to welcome our new baby, but I also can't help but expect that there will be a hole in the joy. The pictures won't quite seem complete without the big sister there to share in the day.

Please don't think that I'm just being negative or that I'm any less excited about the baby because of losing Kinley. I'm still about to bust at the seams with joy and excitement. I will be the happiest new mommy you've ever seen! And I'm thanking God daily, even hourly for this blessing!!! I just don't want anyone to make the misassumption that getting pregnant has somehow "healed" me from my loss. A new baby can't bring a new level of healing, only a loving God can do that!

9 Week Pregnancy Update

I'm currently 9 weeks and a few days pregnant. Those few days are important because I'm counting down the weeks and days until I'm out of the first trimester! As a woman who wanted to be pregnant for so long and knows the pain of losing a child, it feels as though I should just have a smile permanently pasted on my face for the next 7 months. I shouldn't complain or grumble, I should just be happy to be pregnant. And I AM beyond happy, but on the other hand, I'm also very sick. I'm keeping very little in my system right now and I just feel yucky. Of course, I wouldn't trade it for the world, but it sure is tough on my body!!

I'm caught in a very strange cycle of feeling bad, complaining, feeling guilty for complaining, apologizing to whoever is near for complaining when I should just be happy to be pregnant, and then starting all over again. I know it's silly, but my brain seems to go there anyway!

One reason that I believe I'm more sick than my last pregnancy is something that I've not shared until this point. In our first ultrasound, we actually saw two gestational sacs. We were expecting twins. It was evident right away, however, that the second sac was smaller than the first. Eventually we saw a fetal pole, yolk sac, and then heartbeat in the first baby. The second sac, however, never really developed. We were told that it would likely just disappear or might miscarry, but that hasn't happened yet. At our last ultrasound, the sac was still there and attached to my uterus. I'm not sure if that has anything to do with my sickness, but I'm guessing that since the sac is still there and even seemed to be bigger this time, that it's still putting off hormones!!

On a happier note, the baby looks great! He/She is growing and developing on track. We heard a nice healthy heart beat at our last appointment. And I'm am nearly bursting with the anticipation of finding out if we're having a boy or a girl!! I don't understand how people could possibly be patient enough to wait the whole 9 months without finding out! That was never even a discussion in our home!! I'm ready to know so that the shopping can begin!

The Dream

I won't be posting for a few days because I'm leaving early in the morning (like 3:30!) for Florida for a long weekend! I'm so excited for a little break from life to spend some time with some of the ladies in my family and see my brother!

BUT.... I HAD to get this post in before I take off, so I'm taking a break from packing to tell you another amazing way that God has blessed us in the past few weeks.

As some of you understand, a pregnancy following the loss of a child brings about a plethora of emotion. It's frightening to be pregnant again. It also brings back all of those feelings of hurt and it makes you miss your baby even more. Because I have friends who have been through it, I was prepared for this. I even prayed about it long before I got pregnant. I knew that to some extent it would be hard for me to be pregnant again, even though it's been my greatest desire for the past couple years.

Unbeknownst to me, Jacob was struggling with some of these same feelings. More specifically, he was having a hard time being excited about the new baby because in some way he was feeling almost guilty. It was hard for him to be excited because it was hard to move on from losing Kinley. It was almost as if he was afraid it would hurt her for him to be happy about a new baby.

We hadn't discussed this at all. As a matter of fact, I thought his hesitation to be excited was more about fear of losing this baby. I had no idea he was struggling with being happy and no idea that it had anything to do with Kinley. Let me reiterate, he hadn't shared his feelings with anyone!

On the Sunday morning after we announced our pregnancy, a man from our church, (someone we would consider to be in the a friend, but not necessarily a close friend who we spend a great deal of time with or would confide in) approached Jacob in the lobby. He told him the following (paraphrased in my words because I wasn't there)...

I had a dream about you last night that I feel like I'm suppose to tell you. I saw Kinley sitting on God's knee and all she said was "It's okay daddy. I'm fine. It's okay to be happy."

Wow!!! Jacob hadn't shared his concerns with anyone, but God had seen his struggle. He could have given Jacob the dream, but that might have been too easy for him to try to explain away. God knew exactly what Jacob needed to hear and exactly how Jacob needed to hear it.

Tell me we don't serve a BIG God!!! Not only did He answer our prayers for a miracle, He also cares enough for Jacob to ease his mind and allow him to fully enjoy this pregnancy!! What a precious reminder that our little girl is happy in heaven and wants us to be happy here on earth. I think Kinley is just as excited about this blessing as the rest of us!!

A Season of Waiting

It was one year ago in August that we were told that if we didn't do IVF within one year, we may not have children. Of course there were many ups and downs over that year and we were later told that IVF might not even work. Still, that urgency to at least try before this August was constantly nagging at me. There were multiple times that we were ready to move forward with IVF. We had at one point decided that February or March of 2011 was definitely the time we would try IVF. But that time came and we just didn't feel the release from God to go ahead with it. We prayed and we never felt like God was giving us the go ahead. Again in March we were told that we needed to do IVF quickly. The second opinion doctor was very clear "Don't mess around with rounds of clomid and don't WAIT!"

In addition, we had seriously considered adoption. In fact, we had even met with the adoption agency in Tennessee and gotten the paperwork to start the process. I was praying that if we were not to move forward with the adoption process at this time that God would just close the door. Just a couple weeks after meeting with the agency in Tennessee, we got the word that we were moving to Indiana. For me that was a door closed, at least for the time being.

But by this summer, I have to admit that I was in a bit of a panic under the surface. In July, I went to visit my Mom, aunt, and sister-in-law at kid's camp. On the way home, I was pleading with God about what our next step should be. I was ready to move ahead with something. I was specifically asking God to tell me if we should go ahead with IVF (like now) or if we should move ahead with adoption. I got a clear (almost audible) answer, but I didn't like it. God was clearly telling me to WAIT. My first instinct was to argue with Him about how long I had already waited and that the doctor's said I have a low ovarian reserve and waiting could mean not having biological children, but for some reason I was very much at peace with His answer. Against all advice and odds, waiting seemed to be the right answer.

And so we waited.... we waited because we didn't feel like God had released us to do anything else, we waited because that's what He asked us to do, we waited because we believe that God is so much bigger than the doctor's advice or my ovarian reserve!

And we didn't have to wait much longer....just a couple months later, we were pregnant! And to add the cherry on top, we got pregnant in August, the very month that the doctor's had told us one year earlier that we MUST do IVF by or we wouldn't have children.

Just a quick word of encouragement....

God does have a plan for your life. He sees you right where you are, and what's better, He sees where you WILL be. Sometimes we get answers from Him that we just don't understand, but no matter how you feel about where He's leading you, He's doing it for your own good. That's so hard to grasp and accept in the moment, but hold on to the fact that He does have a plan!!

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." Jeremiah 29:11-13

I also want to encourage you that if you're in a season of waiting or if you've been crying out to God for a specific request, find a verse to make your own. Memorize it and claim it. When we first started having fertility trouble, even before having Kinley, I claimed this verse...

"He makes the barren woman abide in the house as a joyful mother of children. Praise the Lord!" Psalm 113:9

I memorized it, I read it over and over again, I claimed it! I didn't know how He would do it or when He would do it, but I knew that He would!

Find a scripture that fits your personal circumstance and make it your own!

The Full Story!

Wow! Where to even start with this post?! First, our computer is back up and running and I plan on giving you all plenty of updates in the near future!!! Second, pardon any errors in this post, I'm writing at 4:00 in the morning. My "morning sickness" has turned into morning, noon, and night sickness, and I've been up all night with a very sick tummy! Also, if you haven't watched our video yet, you want to scroll down and watch it before reading on in this post!

If I had one word to sum up these last few weeks it would simply be "emotional". Pretty much every emotion you can think of, I've experienced in the past few weeks! I've been happy to the point of tears, sad to the point of tears, nervous to the point of tears, and joyous to the point of giggling! (Notice there are a lot of tears....thank you pregnancy hormones!)

So let me give you the rest of the story on finding out we were expecting. If you've been keeping up with my blog, you probably know that when we moved back to Indiana in early summer, we decided to give ourselves a few months off from seeing a fertility specialist. I just thought it was best to take a break financially and allow ourselves some time to get settled back in at home. We were looking for a house to buy and living in temporary housing and just seemed to have enough on our plates. Of course, to completely stop trying to get pregnant was completely out of the question!

I started seeing my regular OB here in Lafayette and asked him to put me on a different medication. It was a low-dose pill that works similar to Clomid. Right away, I seemed to respond better to the medication. By the way, I'm in no way crediting that to the medication itself, that was just purely God saying "It's time to get rolling here!" There is no medical reason why that pill would work better for me than anything else. Actually, my doctor and I were both shocked to see that I was producing 2-3 follicles on it when that's basically all I was getting with the high-dose injections!

In the first month of the medication, I miscarried. In the second month, I asked the doctor to check my progesterone level on day 21 AND day 24. Mine has always been great on day 21, which is the normal day for checking it, but I just had a hunch that something was happening with it. Dr. H said he fully expected it to be fine, but would check it to see. To his surprise, but not mine, my progesterone totally plummeted between days 21 and 24. That would explain my early miscarriages!

In month three, I took the medication and then also supplemented my cycle with progesterone. I also had an ultrasound to check my follicles and got a shot of HCG to force my body to ovulate on time. Because of that, I knew exactly when I could take a pregnancy test!

So on Thursday morning, September 8th, I woke up as Jacob was leaving for work and hurried in to take a test. I can't say I was shocked with the positive result, because I had been feeling different and was sort of expecting it. But, when you've been trying for so long, it's still hard to believe. I hurried to the garage to catch Jacob and showed him the test. We were cautiously excited, but because of my HCG shot I wanted to get blood work done ASAP!

On Thursday, my HCG level was 35. It was a positive pregnancy level, but still low and it was impossible to say if that was because it was so early (still 4 days before my period was even due!) or if it was left-over from the shot. On Saturday, my level had jumped up to 105 and confirmed that we were pregnant!!! A third level checked 4 days later had jumped even higher to 825!

We told our immediately family and my two closest friends on Saturday and decided to hold off until Kinley's birthday to share the news with the rest of our family and friends. Of course, a few of us slipped in the meantime and told some people!

Since then, we've had two ultrasounds and everything seems to be progressing well. We were able to see the slightest flicker of a heartbeat the day before Kinley's birthday, but couldn't hear the heartbeat yet. We're both anxiously awaiting that moment!!

We've all been a huge bundle of emotions over the past several weeks and I don't foresee that changing anytime soon! Although it's difficult not to analyze every little ache, pain, and twinge, God has really provided me with a sense of peace about this pregnancy. I appreciate your continued prayers for that peace and for our little miracle!!

(Oh, and stay tuned....I have a truly amazing story about how God used another man in our church to provide him with the reassurance that he needed at just the right time!!!)

Kinley's Birthday Slideshow

Today is Kinley's 2nd Birthday. We played this very special slideshow to celebrate how she's changed our lives and how we're looking ahead toward a bright future!!!

Just Enough Strength

As I near Kinley's 2nd birthday, I find myself right back in the middle of an entire storm of emotion. On Thursday, it will have been 2 years since I heard the words "we can't find a heartbeat". And on Saturday it will be two years since we first saw Kinley's sweet face. The full gravity of how different I am today than I was on those days can't even be explained by words. As a matter of fact, this year, I'm finding myself at a total loss for words. What words can I possibly say (or type) that will capture the full depth of my feelings? There are none!

And yet, I've found myself being constantly caught up in and encouraged by the music that I've been listening to. Sometimes a song will state my emotion better than I can even do it myself! Some time ago, I started listening to pretty much exclusively Christian music. I can't tell you what a HUGE decision that has turned out to be for me. The music you listen to may seem insignificant, but it's what you're putting into your heart! If you're a Christian, I highly recommend committing to only listen to Christian music, even if it's just for a specified amount of time. Try it for a week or a month, you'll be surprised how God uses it...

Sometimes I listen and even sing along, but don't really "hear" the words. Sometimes the words hit me as if God Himself were speaking them directly to me. Today, I heard this song and it so captured my thoughts...

I want all that's Yours

Joy unspeakable that won't go away

And just enough strength

To live for today

So I never have to worry

What tomorrow will bring

Cause my faith is on solid rock

And I am counting on God

How true those words felt today! I want that joy unspeakable! And to be honest, even through my darkest days, the joy of the Lord was there. "And just enough strength to live for today!" Thank you Jesus for enough strength to just get through the day. I don't have to worry about Thursday or Saturday because my faith is solid and I'm counting on God to be there. And He will, with just enough strength for that day!!

We Are Crazy Busy!

WOW! Our life has certainly changed since a year ago! Let me update you a little...

Jacob and I are happily settled into our beautiful home! We couldn't be more pleased with the house we chose. And after just a few days it was completely unpacked and decorated (thanks to my Mom and Mother-In-Law).

I am WORKING! Yes, you read that right....I took a part-time job back at Tippecanoe Christian School. I'm teaching Pre-school 3. It's just two mornings a week, and I absolutely love it! But they sure are keeping me on my toes!!!

I am spending a TON of time with my beautiful nieces. They are such a huge joy to me. I get to have them often and wouldn't trade the time for anything in this world. I'm also home-schooling my sweet Brenna Claire for kindergarten. What a joy to get to take part in her learning. And we're anxiously awaiting the arrival of our first nephew in December. (Aunt Etty has already bought some super cute baby boy clothes!!!)

We are spending lots of time in ministries at the church, with our friends, and with our families. Jacob's helping coach soccer at his old high school. We rarely have an evening without something on the agenda....and we're loving it!!

I will admit, I have felt a little guilty and even disappointed about not having ALL of my time to pour into being a wife and house-keeper. After a full year of having every day to clean and cook, I am missing that just a bit. My house definitely isn't clean most days and I don't cook dinner on a regular basis either, but this is a new season for us.

We are thrilled to be plugged back in to our church and community. And we can definitely see why God gave us a season of rest while in Tennessee. Isn't it amazing how He knows just what we need and when we need it?!

On the fertility front...

I'm in my third month on the new medicine. The first month, unfortunately, ended in another miscarriage. Because of timing, I didn't have an ultrasound to check follicles. So, with the second cycle, I had an ultrasound on day 12 and had 2 follicles. That's pretty amazing considering that's about all I was getting on HIGH doses of injectable meds. For a "low-responder" to react so well to a low-dose medication is really a miracle.

Unfortunately, even with two follicles, I didn't get pregnant. However, because of some blood work the doctor was able to discover that I have a very rapidly decreasing progesterone level. (It basically completely bottoms out instead of slowly declining.) That's probably the reason for the miscarriages. Soooo, we're trying again and adding progesterone supplementation! Keep praying with us!!

I'm going to do better about blogging regularly now that we're settled....or at least I'm going to try!! So stay tuned!!!

A Rough Night

WARNING - I'm about to whine for a minute...

I'm just having a bad night. It happens from time to time. One disappointment or hurt leads to another and I just can't shake it.

I kind of had a "weird" cycle this month on the new medicine. I'll probably feel like sharing more later, but for now, I'll just say that it was disappointing. I was especially feeling down this morning and then a dear lady at church prayed an 'amazing, stop in your tracks, that was just what I needed' prayer over me. It gave me strength and peace through the rest of the day.

Then this evening, I felt that fear, disappointment, and raw hurt seeping back in. I'm not angry at God, I don't feel that He let me down, and I still feel like He's in control. But I am hurting.

Being upset about infertility naturally leads to me thinking "if only I had Kinley here". It wouldn't hurt so much not to be able to get pregnant again if I could sneak into her bedroom and watch her sleeping for a few minutes. It wouldn't be so hard if I could hear her say "I love you Mommy!" If I could just snuggle up on the couch with my little girl, that might just be enough to wash the pain of it away.

So tonight, I'm sad because after 3 years of trying, I still don't have a baby to hold. I'm sad that I don't have Kinley and I'm sad that I don't have any more children. I think it's okay to have a bad night from time to time. It's okay to feel some of that ache that's almost always knocking on my heart's door.

Please pray with me that tomorrow will bring a new joy, a new sense of hope, and a new peace.

Letting Go of the Fear

Around the time that Jacob and I started trying to get pregnant for Kinley, I stood in church one Sunday morning and was overwhelmed by fear. I was afraid that we would have trouble getting pregnant. Somewhere in my spirit, I guess I sensed the journey that lay ahead of us. I went to a woman in the church that I admire and trust and asked her to pray with me. Unfortunately, as much as I tried to rebuke this fear it held on to my spirit. I couldn't shake it. I prayed and prayed that God would take the fear from me, but it didn't budge.

Around Christmas time a fellow teacher whom I loved and admired gave me a Christmas gift. It was a small book that she had put together of scriptures dealing with infertility. It had a beautifully written and sweet card with it and as I opened the gift I immediately began to cry. From that night forward, I read and prayed those scriptures.

Praying His Word became part of my nightly routine. Soon the fear subsided and I began to trust the will of God. By March, I was pregnant with Kinley and tucked the book away for another season of my life.

Sometime after Kinley died I pulled the book back out and would occasionally read through the scriptures again. I even made similar books for a few of my friends and gave them to them as gifts. (By the way, they all now have babies!)

Now here's my shameful confession...I've rarely used the book in the past year. For some reason it's not a part of my nightly routine anymore. Looking back over the past year, I see how Satan has regained a foothold of fear in my life, and the sad thing is, I see how I allowed it!

As a matter of fact, in some strange way, I think I wanted to just sit in that fear for awhile. I was angry that just a short time later, I would have to pull that book out again. Isn't that silly? I felt so bad for myself that I actually wanted to just be miserable for awhile. It's only fair right? I mean look at how my life was playing out.

For some reason tonight, the scripture book came to mind. So, I've decided to stop feeling sorry for myself and to stop allowing fear to plague my life. I'm pulling my scriptures back out, and this time I'm going to share them with you too! Not all of them are specific to infertility, so hopefully you can all get some encouragement from them too.

This one is my very favorite, I recite it in my head often...

"He makes the barren women abide in the house as a joyful mother of children. Praise the Lord!" Psalm 113:9

"And everything you ask in prayer believing, you shall receive." Matthew 21:22

"Delight yourself in the Lord; and He will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord, trust also in Him, and He will do it." Psalm 37:4-5

"Do not fear, for I am with you. Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, surely I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10

New House and New Medicine

I'm finally sitting down and finding time to write a blog....unfortunately, it's because I'm not feeling well tonight! I have no idea what happened, but I was fine all day and then tonight I got very nauseous and am running a low-grade fever. Blah! I honestly think all the craziness of the past couple months is just catching up with me.

I hadn't said much about our house finding process, but am so excited that we did find a house that we love! We'll be closing on it at the end of the month and moving in during the first week of August! It's the perfect little house for us.

It's 3 bedroom and 2 bath and has all of the things we had talked about wanting in a home. We were blessed to find it after it had only been on the market for a few days and were even more blessed by the fact that the people were motivated sellers and we got a great deal! My absolute favorite part of the house is the big fenced-in backyard! I'm envisioning many get-togethers with friends and family, many afternoons of playing with my nieces, and even seeing my own babies play in that yard.

Which bring me to the next thing on my mind tonight...

As I mentioned a while back, I'm taking a "low-dose" fertility med right now and we're trying to get pregnant "on our own". To be honest, the last few months haven't been promising at all. Even though doctor's have told me that it would be difficult for me to conceive, I still have a hard time wrapping my mind around it and it still crushes me when things don't go well. I had a few months of strange and even non-existent cycles. I saw my regular OB here in Indiana and asked about a different medicine that I hadn't taken before. We decided that we might as well give it a try! So I'm now on something new. I had a progesterone level done that revealed that I did actually ovulate this month, so that's a good sign. I know it's a long-shot, but I'm really hoping that this is the medicine that will work for me.

Basically, I guess what I'm saying is that we're not doing any major treatments, but I'm still praying and believing for a miracle. Are you still believing and praying with us?! Please add it to your prayer list. We know that what we need is a complete intervention by God. We'll give Him all the glory when our prayers are answered!!!

A New Phase of Grief

I've been thinking a lot lately about the seasons of my grief and how I've mourned different things at different times since Kinley died. I recently heard about another grieving Mommy who's little boy would be 5 this year. It's been a really hard year for her. For some reason, 5 seems different. He'd be getting ready to go to school, he'd be playing t-ball, he'd be a big brother, he'd be learning to ride a bike, he'd be doing all the things that 5-yr old boys do. The grieving seems to never end, it changes, it gets easier, but it never ends!

At first, I really mourned not being pregnant. When I delivered Kinley I was 29 weeks pregnant, so I felt like I should still be pregnant for the next 11 weeks. I really grieved the fact that I wasn't. It was difficult to see pregnant women, I found myself reaching down to touch my belly, and I sometimes even felt "phantom" movement as if I was still pregnant.

As my due date rolled around and approached I really grieved not having my baby (of course I have been grieving that the whole time!) But this was a grief specific to giving birth and having a brand new baby. It hurt so deeply to see tiny little newborns dressed in their Christmas dresses, to attend baby dedications, to hear a baby cry.

A new stage of mourning came when all of the babies who were due around the same time as Kinley started walking. That may sound strange, but it really hit me hard to see them toddling around and think "my baby would be walking". She would have been entering the toddler stage, trying to talk, learning to walk, changing, and growing.

I've recently been feeling a much different sense of loss. Several of the mommies that had babies around when I had Kinley have now had other babies. Their babies are the big sisters or big brothers now. I see them interacting with their new siblings and I can't help but feel an aching in my heart. Not only am I mourning the fact that I'll never get to see Kinley be the "big sis", I'm also mourning the fact that I'm still not even pregnant with the little sibling.

It's so hard not to question God, not to wonder what it is that He's doing in my life, not to give in to feeling defeated and hopeless. It's hard not to feel sorry for myself. It's hard not to give in to the urge to crumble into a ball on the floor and cry. (Yes, I still feel like doing that sometimes!)

It's times like tonight that I cling to the Word of God. I put my hope in His promises, and I cry myself to sleep knowing that He has promised good to me!

He's working ALL things for my good, even the grief...

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

He's comforting me and using me to comfort others...

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God." 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

He's still my HOPE...

"Against all hope, Abraham, in hope, believed and so became the father of many nations, just as it had been said to him, 'So shall your offspring be.'" ... "Yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, being fully persuaded that God had power to do what he had promised." Romans 4:18,20

In hope, I wait upon Him...

"I wait for the Lord, my whole being waits, and in his word I put my hope." Psalm 130:5

Father's Day

I tried to talk Jacob into writing this Father's Day post from his perspective, but I didn't give him enough time to process it. Maybe next year! For now, you get a Father's Day post taken from the perspective of the grieving Mommy.

Father's Day...another day to grieve. How sad is it that that's what it has become? We celebrate our Dads, we spend time with our families, we paste on smiles to get through the day, but underneath it all is a raw ache.

I hate that while other Daddy's are tucking their babies into bed for the night, laying their hand gently on their little tummies and saying their bedtime prayers, even shedding a few tears at realizing how blessed they are, my husband is laying his hand gently on the top of a headstone, saying a prayer over the gravesite of our daughter, shedding tears of pain and ache.

I hate that when the pastor asks all the Dad's to stand during service, my husband has to hesitate, think about it, and ultimately decide it's easier NOT to.

I hate it that I have to leave service in tears, stand outside for a few minutes to try to calm myself and pull it back together, and return to service hoping to just "make it through".

I hate it that we go to bed at night feeling completely exhausted. Not because we've played hard with our kids all day, but because we've spent the day trying desperately to hold in our true feelings. Last night, my muscles literally ached when I laid down in bed. I had done my best to hold it together for the day, but I was totally spent physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

I hate it that the entire day is filled with an overwhelming sense of guilt for me. Yes, guilt. I know that seems crazy, but the fact that Jacob doesn't have children is ultimately because of me. He's not the one with fertility issues, I am. I don't want to feel guilty, but on day's like Father's Day, I can't help but look at him and think "If it weren't for me, he'd have kids by now."

I hate it that each Father's Day I grasp desperately, trying to hold on to the thread of hope that maybe next year will be different. I especially hate it that many times the fear that next year will be exactly the same drowns out that hope.

I hate it that I'm sitting in front of this computer again, pouring out my heart, with tears running down my face. I hate it that many of you will read this blog post and know exactly how I feel!

I hate it that we live in a fallen world, where even holidays are often clouded by hurt. I know that we're not the only people hurting on Father's Day. There are many people who just had their first Father's Day without their Dad, many that have had too many without their Dad to even count, many children who don't have a Dad to celebrate, many Dads who don't get to celebrate with their kids.

So what is it exactly that I DON'T hate? ...

I love that I have the hope that one day Jacob will spend everyday celebrating being Kinley's Daddy. I love that for all of eternity our days will be overwhelming filled with joy and love and that no sin, no pain, no fear will cloud out that joy. I love that I have a relationship with Christ that gives me that hope!!

Finding My Place

This is one of the posts where I'm going to tread lightly and hope I don't offend anyone. It is in no way meant to make anyone feel bad, it's just how I have been feeling since we got back.

As you know, Jacob and I left Lafayette and moved to Knoxville a year ago. During our year away, I was back visiting several times and had kept in touch with most of my friends in some fashion. We are super excited to be back and were ready to dive right back into to our church, our friendships, our life!

Something weird happens when you're gone for such a short amount of time. It almost feels like we didn't leave, and like life here should have just paused or maybe even gone on exactly "as we knew it". You return thinking that everything will be the same. And it's not! It feels like everything has changed!

These first few weeks have been great, but I also find myself feeling like I'm struggling to find my "place" again. This is especially true at church. We were a part of several ministries, we knew pretty much everyone, and we had a place. Upon returning, ministries have changed, new people have come, and I'm not sure where my place is. I'm not saying these changes are bad, they're just changes that I wasn't here for. Everyone else adjusted gradually over the last year and I came back to a lot of adjustment!

I don't really have a "full-circle way" of wrapping this post up with a pretty bow on top. It almost feels incomplete, but that's really all I have to say about it! I don't want it to sound like I'm complaining. It's not a complaint, it's really just where I am today. I'll find my place, I'll adjust, and I'll be happy to do it!

It's good to be home!

Why am I happy to be home....let me count the reasons! (Not necessarily in order of importance!)

1. MY GIRLS!

As I'm sure you've all realized by now, my nieces are like my own kids. To say we are close would be the understatement of the century! I really can't find words to explain our relationship, but if you know me, you know it's really beyond normal to be so close to someone else's kids. (In a good way!) I was frightened that because we had moved away I would never have the relationship with Bristol that I've gotten to have with Brenna. I cried many tears thinking that she wouldn't "know" me and would cry when she was left with me for any period of time. My heart melts every time I come in and she gives me that giant dimpled grin!!

We took Brenna to see "Judy Moody" today, and they seem to have the same fashion sense! :)

It just doesn't get much cuter than this!!!

2. Our Family!

I love family time, and there's nothing quite as sweet as having a beautiful, strong, fun relationship with your family. I've always been super close with my family, not just my Mom and Dad, but grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, great-aunts, and on and on. I've already gotten in some great family time and expect much more! And not to leave out Jacob's family, we're just as close with them and so excited to be back "amongst them"! Last Wed. night as Sarah and Adam sat in our living room talking and laughing WAY too late into the night, I had a moment of pause and thought to myself "This is exactly as it should be!" I nearly cried!

My beautiful cousin Jessica graduated high school, but her brother Seth passed her up in height!

I've been able to visit and get some snuggle time with my cousin Shayla's little sweet pea, Lynix!

We spent the day at my cousin Morgan's final dance recital...and she was as stunning as ever!

I would never leave out Lynix's big brother and one of my favorite little guys in the whole world, handsome little Laban!

This has become one of my favorite pictures! By the time Makenna finally got to hold Lynix, she was SO over the whole day!

The girls of my family!

3. Our Friends!

I've been so excited already to spend time with some of our closest friends. We've had dinner with some, I've had lunch with several, and spent days just hanging out at home with others. We realize now how beyond blessed we are to have so many amazing, Christian, fun, supportive friends!!! Thank you Josh & Jessie, Destiny, Tami, Julie, and the entire Wednesday night crew for already spending time welcoming us back home!

I have no pictures with my friends! :( But I do have this one of my friend Destiny's little boy hanging out at my apartment with my nieces so that Momma and Daddy could be with the new babies!

4. Our Church!

I'm planning to post sometime in the next couple of days about the adjustment that I've had in moving back into the church after a year, but in general, let me just say that we are thrilled to be back in our church! It just feels "right"! I didn't realize how much I like having so many people who know us and would ask how we are doing with the move, infertility, and even the loss of Kinley. The first Sunday morning back in service, as my brother-in-law Adam led worship, I just let my eyes wander through the church and soaked in the feeling of being back. My eyes stopped on SO many that we trust to pray with us, mentor us, and love us!

It's good to be back!

Still to come are posts on...

What happens when you give Bristol a Twinkie!

The fun that we had in Tennessee with Jacob's family!

My adjustment to fitting back into our church.

The Absent Blogger

I've been MIA for SO long!!! This is a quick catch-up post on life as we know it...

1. Where in the world are Jacob and Erica?
We're now back in Indiana! Yay! The move happened so quickly and I've been totally overwhelmed with the transition, which is why I haven't blogged lately. Jacob found out about a possible job back in Lafayette that he could be transferred to and within a few weeks, we were here! We're currently in temporary housing in a furnished apartment and it took until now to get our internet working, which is the second reason I haven't blogged. We're house hunting and planning to buy a house in the next few months. In the meantime, all of our "stuff" is in storage.

2. Did I "de-friend" you on facebook?
NO! I closed my facebook for a little while. It was nothing personal against anyone, I just needed a break. There was so very much going on in my life that I just didn't want to complicate it more. God had been dealing with me for awhile on letting go of facebook for a bit to re-group and re-focus. Don't worry, I'll be back as soon as I feel released to come back!

3. How is Jacob's new job?
Wonderful!! He's happy, I'm happy, life is good! :)

4. What are we doing about our fertility process?
We're kind of on hold for now. I'm taking some low-dose medicine and we're trying on our own, but not having any major or invasive treatments. As soon as we're settled in a house we'll see a fertility specialist here and also start the adoption process. I actually got pregnant on Tamoxifen in March and had a very early miscarriage, so I'm hopeful that despite all odds and all medical reasoning, I CAN get pregnant during this "wait" time! Keep praying!!! God is good!

5. WHAT?! You miscarried?
Yes I did, while we were in Florida. I hadn't mentioned it yet because it all happened very quickly and I was trying not to focus on it too much. I had just gotten a positive test when I started spotting and then really cramping and bleeding. I didn't see a doctor at the time, I was only about 5 weeks pregnant and was on vacation. After I got home, I saw my doctor to follow-up. It was heartbreaking on one level and also gave me some hope that there's still a chance for us to have biological children.

6. Are you going back to teaching?
At this point, I'm not planning to return. I don't want to work full-time at this time and am excited to be able to keep my nieces a couple days a week. If a part-time teaching position fell into my lap, I would definitely be interested, but I'm not actively seeking a position. I'm planning to start doing a little bit of in-home childcare starting once we have a house.

7. What's new in our life?
Well first and most exciting....Jacob and I are going to be "Uncle Jay-Jay" and "Aunt Etty" again!!! We'll be getting a new niece or nephew on the Crum side of the family this winter. Sarah and Adam are expecting and are due in December. We can't wait to add another little one to the family!

Next and also super exciting, my good friend and fellow blogger just had her twins! They are beyond precious and I'm head-over-heels in love with them both already. I got to meet them the other day and while they're still in NICU and could use your prayers as they grow bigger and stronger, they have no major health problems and are just perfect! Here they are...

You can follow their progress and read Destiny's story at her blog, just click here!

My next piece of exciting news....my sweet niece Bristol is on the move! She's crawling all over the place and is so much fun right now! I'm so happy to be home and have so much time to spend with both her and Brenna. Brenna is also very excited to have us home!

Stay tuned in the next couple days for a post about our last trip to Tennessee with the Crum family....it was great fun!!!

Mother's Day Post...A few days late!

This is the note that I posted last year on Mother's Day. I'm not sure why I felt led to it today and feel led to share it with you, but I do. I'm sure many of you have already read it, but maybe someone hasn't come across it yet. I also know that since Mother's Day has passed it's a little outdated, but the message is still the same....

I’m the kind of Mommy who always knew I wanted to be a Mommy. The kind of little girl who played “house” from the time I was tiny. I mothered every baby that came into my path. From the moment my sweet baby sister and brother were born, I wanted to mother them. Every new cousin that came into the world was a pure joy for me. I wanted to hold them, change them, and feed them. Some people took friends with them to ball games or the park, not me, I found a little kid that I could take. I drug Jessica, Seth, and Karly to countless ball games at the school. I just loved to take care of them and mother them.


I’m the kind of Mommy who desperately wanted a baby. Jacob and I started trying to get pregnant before we had even been married a year. I know that some people thought that it was too soon, but we knew we wanted to be parents. As the months passed and countless pregnancy tests came up negative, I grew increasingly anxious and afraid. Would God really give me this deep desire to be a Mommy and then not ever allow me to actually be one? That couldn’t be the plan that He had for me. After months of trying and 4 rounds of Clomid, I finally saw that double pink line! I was a Mommy!!


I’m the kind of Mommy that was a Mommy the moment I saw that positive test. I embraced pregnancy to the fullest! I loved it! I dove head first into falling in love with my baby. I talked about her constantly, I shopped for her, and I imagined what she would be. On my first Mother’s Day as a pregnant woman I stood proudly when the pastor asked all of the mom’s to stand. I WAS a mother!


I’m the kind of Mommy who labored and pushed knowing that my daughter would not be born breathing. I knew I would not hear that coveted first cry. I wouldn’t beam as I introduced a wiggling newborn to her grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. I did, however, cradle her lifeless body in my arms with the love that only a mother knows. I stroked her black curly hair, examined her ten perfect fingers and toes, changed her dresses and hats, and lovingly swaddled her in blankets. I smiled for pictures with her although my heart was broken. I passed her to family and friends and shared her with those I love most. I slept with her in my arms, I prayed over her with my husband, and then I placed her in her basket and let her go. I left the hospital without her, I planned a burial and memorial service, and I stood to tell those gathered in the church of the mark that she had left on the world.


I’m the kind of Mommy who hurts daily so that my baby never has to know pain. Every time my heart feels like it will burst from the pain, I remember that she will never know a pain like this. She’ll never fall and skin her knee, she’ll never get her heart broken, and she’ll never hurt, as I am hurting.


I’m the kind of Mommy who is proud of my little girl. I know she only had a brief time on earth, but she accomplished the purpose that God had for her. The night of her memorial service, a family member shared with me that she had given her heart to Christ. As she stood there, tears running down her face, she explained that it had struck her that Kinley walked into Heaven familiar with the praises of God, familiar with Him, because Jacob and I had carried her, while still in my womb, to church week after week. She shared that if something should happen to her little girls, they would enter a Heaven that was unknown. Because of Kinley’s brief life, she will spend eternity with her little girls! I know that Kinley’s life and death have touched and changed countless other people, and for that, I am proud!


I’m the kind of Mommy who most of the world doesn’t even notice as a Mom at all. I have no outward signs of being a mom. I don’t push my baby around the mall in her stroller, I don’t carry her infant seat into church, I don’t take her to the park, or take her out for walks. I don’t shop in the baby sections, I don’t buy diapers, and I don’t buy formula. To most of the world, I’m not a Mommy at all. But in my heart, I truly am! I know that whether God chooses to bless us with more children or not, I am and will always be McKinley’s Mommy.


A year can make such a difference in a person’s life. Last year at this time, I was a beaming pregnant woman, waiting for my blessing to arrive. One year later, I’m a hurting Mommy, longing to rock my baby just one more time. This year, there are women everywhere who are celebrating Mother’s Day. Some are first time Mommy’s, some are spending their day with children, grandchildren, and even great-grandchildren, and all are celebrating the blessings that God has given them. However, stop to think for a minute that there are also many women hurting on Mother’s Day. Their babies have passed away, they’ve been struggling with infertility, or last year they were celebrating with their mom and this year she’s gone. A year can make such a big difference in YOUR life….don’t let another day pass without taking time to enjoy your children, to thank your mom, and to make amends in strained relationships.